Penny Lane
by GigiPuff
Summary: ATU fic  Penny was never as good as Lucy. Maybe she'll find someone who thinks otherwise.
1. Poker Face

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the ATU characters. This is a work of fiction written for entertainment and has no affiliation with Warner Bros. and director/producers of the movie.

Chapter Title: Poker Face by Lady Gaga

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><p>The fall season came quick that year; leaving dark leaves and a cold breeze in its wake. I found the weather nice. I loved the soft winds blowing through my hair or how it felt on my warm skin. Yet, the holiday ruined the spirit for me. Thanksgiving would be tonight; a holiday when everyone celebrates the Indians showing nothing but kindness to the Puritans, which they returned with pillage and gave shitty pieces of land. Why should we make a holiday for America's ungratefulness? Oh right, because we like to leave out all the bad things we did and focus on the good instead; makes us look better than we actually are.<p>

The whole class stared anxiously at the clock, watching the long thin second hand tick; a slow torture to the people going home to loving parents and a hot Thanksgiving meal. The longing for a vacation well deserved could be seen in their faces. All eyes watched the clock tick onward: People were tapping pencils anxiously; people's legs shook slightly, some even tried to kill time by reading, but yet kept glancing upward. They'd dress their best, sit at a table with their families, have decent conversation, and catch up with distant relatives. Laughter and happiness would float through the air, covering the scene with a warm love I would never know.

I, on the other hand, sat at my desk, my hand scribbling across the paper of my notebook with every intention of ignoring the clock. I wasn't concerned with leaving school. I had nothing at home. Absence of my parents would leave my table empty; my food a simple one dish dinner; my heart heavy with sadness. They decided to travel around Europe a week ago; leaving me alone until Christmas. I hated them for it. They always left without me; ever since I was thirteen-years-old. Who left their only child alone on Thanksgiving Day?

Oh, right…they did.

The bell finally rang, bringing with it commotion and scramble. The hum of excited chatter filled the empty space the loud ringing could not; I watched people pass me through the corner of my eye, but my pencil continued scratching on my notebook. The story unfolding in my mind needed to be written. I heard a kind voice call behind me:

"Penny, hurry. Everyone's already left."

I shut my notebook, stowing it away in my bag along with my pencil. Lucy stood by the door with Emily, our tall and pretty friend. I covered my sad eyes with a practiced smile. I grabbed my books and bag; then followed them out of the class. In the hall, people were putting and removing things from their lockers. They were walking in groups towards the front doors, conversation going on all throughout the place. Lucy and Emily wanted to stop by their own lockers to take out their books. I had nothing in my locker, since I kept all my books at home. Once we continued walking, they began talking about what they would do for Thanksgiving. The question would eventually be directed at me, and it was.

"What are you gonna do, Penn?" Emily had been the one to ask.

"Oh," I acted as if I hadn't expected the question, "Nothing much. Mom and Dad are still in Europe, so I'll just hang out at home this weekend."

"Oh, that's terrible," Emily responded.

"You should come over to my house," Lucy offered. "We're having a family dinner and you can hve some real food for once."

"Thanks Luce, but you don't-"

"-Oh come, on. I insist, really. You know my parents like you."

Her parents only liked me because I had "ambitions", whatever that meant. I won several awards for my essays and even had one published in the newspaper; I also won the Science Fair a few times, but that was when it was easy. They were impressed when I told them about getting top of my class in freshman, sophomore and junior year. I might make Senior too if I can manage. All the praise from them bothered me some. I liked to think they would've preferred me as a daughter instead of Lucy, who was just not as good, but I doubted that. Everybody liked Lucy.

Despite my feelings about the whole situation, a good dinner sounded nice. "Alright," I told her. "I'll come over. Six, okay?"

"Come with me now. I'm on my way there anyways." She sounded genuinely excited about the prospect of me being with her and her family. I never understood that either.

"What about clothe-"

"-We'll stop by your place to get them. We'll make it a sleep over."

Regardless of my slight envy of her, Lucy was a wonderful friend. She never hesitated to help if she could; she never lied; she cheated, and never did anything wrong. Ever. Me? I had somewhat of a bad streak, I guess. I smoked when I by myself at home; drank once or twice, and well…just never did anything good for anyone else. Why would I? Nobody did the same for me…except Lucy.

"Alright. Sounds good."

"Yay," She grinned.

You could say I was a little melodramatic during the holiday seasons. Could be a possible side-effect of having unconcerned parents and a liking for isolation. Honestly, others were surprised when they found out I actually had friends.

"Thanksgiving is not as bad as you think it is, Penn," I heard Lucy say. "Trust me. It's a good holiday, despite the fact that we pretty much gave the Indians nothing in return. You know, spending it with people you love and stuff. But, at least you wouldn't be alone, right?"

"Yeah…"

I stuck my hands in the pockets of my black coat. My defense pose. A sea of people walked out of the school doors, making their way to cars or buses. Only when Lucy rushed ahead did I spot the car sitting in front of the steps next to the sidewalk. Leaning against it were two boys: both were tall; one blonde, one brunette; having this air of scruffiness. The kind college boys had after living in dorms most of the time. The blonde I recognized as Max, Lucy's older brother. The brunette I did not know at all…yet I wanted to. He was…really cute. His black jacket covered the nice shirt and tie he had underneath; his hair reached past the nape of his neck, but was combed neatly for the occasion. I actually smiled somewhat when they greeted us both.

Lucy threw her arms around her brother, hugging him tightly. I merely waved. Like always, Lucy first. Even the brunette noticed her first before turning his dark eyes to me; our eyes locked, green meeting brown. I tried not to blush when he grinned some at me. Boys rarely grinned at me.

"Well," Max's eyes sized me with no subtly at all, "Someone's grown up a lot. Hey Penny."

"Hi, Max," I said, waving again a bit.

My body stiffened when he moved forward for a hug. The smell of fresh cigarette smoke hung on him that masked the faint scent of cologne on him. I kind of liked it believe it or not. I eventually gave in and hugged back. It was not that I didn't like hugs…Max just never hugged me. He liked beautiful girls. Something I definitely wasn't. We let each other go after what seemed like forever, but his stare never left me, just like the brunette's didn't leave Lucy.

"Jude, this is my sister Lucy and her friend Penny. Ladies, this is my friend, Jude. He's gonna be having Thanksgiving dinner with us," Max informed us both.

"'Ello." His accent was British. Liverpool, I suspected.

"Great, so is Penny."

Lucy told Max my house would be our next stop, since I couldn't go in my school clothes. Max said I looked fine just the way I was…pink came to my cheeks when he grinned at me. I tried not to focus so much on either of them. They might think I'm weird for staring too intently. Especially Jude. I had grown used to seeing Max whenever he came home for the holidays or for summer, but Jude was new. He was fresh like water. My eyes wanted to drink him up as much as possible, but at the same time, turned to watch people board buses.

I sat beside Jude in the backseat, unsure of what to say or what to do about this. I found him attractive; interesting…but I found it hard to make out words. Lucy usually initiated conversations with boys for me. Starting conversations came easier to her; my starters always went off on an awkward foot.

"So when did your parents say they'd be back, Penn?" She asked, her head resting on her hand.

"December…Maybe January," I answered.

"You mean your parents aren't home?" Jude asked, his accent weaving perfectly into that voice of his.

"No," I chuckled softly when I shook my head. "They normally never are. They're in Europe right now…" I thought, "I think Paris."

"Do they write you at all?"

"Sometimes," I answered.

"What," Max intervened, "Could they _possibly_ be doing that they're gone for so long?"

I shrugged. "Hell if I know. When they write, they write about everything they see and do there. It's like… like they prefer not to be at home."

'_With me´_ I couldn't stop myself from thinking it. Time to divert from the subject, "So, how's college, Max?"

Lucy gave me a concerned look as Max began going off about his various college experiences. She was trying so hard to read me right then, but I concealed those feelings. My sadness, my isolation, my pain were for my eyes only. Only I could see the hurt when I stare in the mirror; only I would feel loneliness. Yes, pitying myself is pathetic and selfish, but I didn't care. I believe I had plenty of reasons to feel sorry for myself: My parents ignored me by leaving the country all the time; the only person that really cared about me was someone who I was completely envious of; nobody really liked me that much. So, go ahead and think what you will. In this world, the only person who will really care most about you is yourself.

"And here we are." I felt the car come to a complete stop by the curb.

If America needed more postcards, my house would be one of the top sellers. A two-story house painted white and blue with a hardly used tire swing hanging from a tall tree; a manicured lawn laid all around the landscape with a pretty garden I tended to myself; a porch that circled the house with a swimming pool in the back. The only thing missing was a dog. Max parked his car next to the sidewalk, everybody's eyes on my house.

"This place has _not_ changed at all," He said.

"So, it's always looked like that?" Jude asked him, pointing to the house. Lucy and I stepped out of the car to walk towards the door.

"Oh yeah," Max answered. "I suppose you take good care of this place, huh Penn?"

"What else is there for me to work on?" I asked him before Lucy took my hand to take me inside.

The house was just as American inside as it was out: Clean floors, nice furniture, family pictures of days long gone, and a general air of tidiness. I suppose my constant care is the main blame here. Once the door was closed, Lucy started:

"So, what do you think of Jude, huh? Cute, right?" She asked, going up the staircase with me following.

"I guess," I shrugged.

"Penny," She said, "I'm not stupid. I know you think he's cute; it's why you kept your eyes looking elsewhere. I know you stare when you like someone."

A downside of having long-term friends: they knew when you lied. Lucy knew tons about me: She knew when I was in a mood; how I functioned around other people, how nervous I got in front of big groups of people. She knew too much. I walked into my bedroom and began looking for a bag to place my things in while Lucy opened my closet with her back to me. "Why don't you talk to him a little more?"

"Uh, no," I said, "He likes you."

"I have Daniel," She responded, pulling out dresses and nice things for me to wear. "I mean, yeah Jude is cute and all, especially with that little accent of his, but I wouldn't date him. Not really my type, you know? Now you…I think he is definitely your type."

"When is Daniel coming back anyways?" I asked for a drastic change of subject.

"Don't change the subject," Lucy said. She turned around with a dress in her hand, and then placed it on my bed. "You're all artsy and he looks the art type, so you guys would be cute together. You should talk to him during dinner and see what happens."

"Um, I…I don't think so Lucy," I turned away to grab pajamas for the sleepover.

"Oh come on Penny. It's not every day you meet a cute British guy."

"I'm not really looking to date," I said, finding a pajama set I liked. "I prefer to-"

"-Be a lonely woman for the rest of your life?"

"Yes."

"Penny…What are you afraid of? Why don't you ever go out with guys? A lot of them like you-"

"-The only guys that like me are the guys in the chess club and they're total creeps," I answered a bit defensively. "I'm sorry my dating options aren't as big as yours. Guys don't like me, so I don't like them back. End of conversation."

I stuffed the pajamas in my bag, trying to cool down the green monster inside of me. "Well…Max likes you." Her voice was soft and apologetic. I felt guilt sink in now.

"What?" I perked my head up.

"Yeah," Lucy said, moving this dress here and that dress there. "He couldn't take his eyes off of you."

"Because he was more interested in what's below my neck," I replied a bit bitterly. "All guys are like that. I don't really need a guy like that right now."

Lucy sighed a little bit. I hoped _now_ she would move away from this subject. "I think this one's nice."


	2. Unpretty

Chapter Title: Unpretty by TLC

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><p>Moments like these made me glad I lived alone. At least in my own home I did not have to listen to criticisms or arguments; only silence. I sat at the table beside Lucy, in the light blue blouse and black skirt with cardigan she had picked out for me, quietly eating while the family ate Max alive. They made comments about his attitude towards college and his future; his mother even asked if having a lack of a haircut was stylish. I was not sure whether to feel for Max or laugh a little.<p>

The words Lucy said earlier about Max liking me hadn't left my mind. I knew the thought was childish, but the words lingered. What girl didn't like hearing a cute guy might like her? I did. Guys never liked me and in the attempt to make them, I failed. Only Lucy mastered that ability.

I glanced over to him when appropriate: when he spoke to someone or when I could steal a glance. I don't know what I had been looking for: A sign that he might like me? One of those eye-locking gazes that two people shared when a spark ignited? Maybe. The reason could also be that if I looked at Max, I can sneak a peek over Jude. He was really cute and decent for a guy who just jumped ship. Yet, by no surprise, his interest ran towards Lucy. I might as well have not been there. I was a piece of the wall…or an ugly lamp.

They all continued talking about Max, but I barely paid attention. I couldn't help but exchange glances with Jude every so often. We were the only non-family members at this table. I knew very little about the goings-on in this family and Jude even less. I felt so out of place with them; probably because I rarely had dinner with an actual family. They had all this togetherness…yet did not have it at the same time.

"-I mean, look at Penny," Mr. Carrigan said, motioning to me. _Please don't bring me into this,_ "She excels in school. I wouldn't be surprised if they let her graduate early. Perhaps when she goes to college, she'll use it to her advantage instead of wasting it."

"I read that article they put in the paper about you," Mrs. Carrigan said, "For winning the Drew something-"

"-The Drue Heinz Literature Prize," I said as if rehearsed. "I didn't think I'd really win, since there were tons of others who put their stuff in, but I got it."

"Any universities you've got in line?" His Uncle Teddy asked.

"Um," I thought, "I applied to Harvard and Yale the other day. Never too late to apply right?"

"You see Max," His dad looked back to him, "A kid who has her life completely mapped out for her. She's gonna go places-"

"-What if you're little plans don't work out, Penny?" Max asked me. "You got a plan A? Plan B?"

"-And D and E," I said simply. "I have them ordered by possibility of me achieving them-"

"-My God! It's like you're a robot!" Max said with a small laugh. "Do you do anything that _you_ wanna do or have you had all this programmed into you since you were a baby?"

"I do stuff I wanna do," I said, cutting up my turkey and biting into it, "When I have some free-time I write-"

"-Essays?-"

"-No, poems and short stories. I _do_ have an imagination, Max. Unlike you, there are people out there that actually do something productive with their intelligence and creativity. You just go to college, fail your classes, smoke pot and drink. From what I've heard, you haven't done anything with your life since you left home. You're wasting away the money that your dad could be using for other stuff, I mean, why did you even bother going to college if you weren't gonna at least try? "He was going to interrupt, but I cut him off first, "-Max…You have so much potential to be really great. You're smart when you put some effort into your work; you have lots of charisma and you're really kind when you wanna be. I've seen you talk your way out of all kinds of stuff before because you used your brain to do it…Max, it wouldn't kill you to strive for something, even if your parents don't necessarily agree with you. You can do what makes you happy, but you just have to go through a lot of stuff to get there first.

"I know it sucks that people are always harping after you about being yourself, but maybe they're just trying to give you advice so you don't flush your life completely down the toilet. From what I've always seen, your parents do care about you, which is why they're always after you. Maybe if you took their advice, you'd actually being going forward instead of staying in one place." I looked to his mother, "Thank you for the meal Mrs. Carrigan, it was very delicious and well done. I think I'm gonna go outside now."

I glanced at Max one more time, seeing the stunned look on his face. I heard Lucy say something to him as I walked away, but didn't bother to listen. No anger or annoyance rushed through me on my way into the backyard. Hearing the truth can do a lot of things to one person all at the same time: Surprise them, anger them, and upset them. My point had not been to hurt Max, but to- possibly- enlighten him. I truly believed everything I said because I've known him for so long. Lucy's told me the spats that go on when he's home. I've seen the way he behaves. He purposely goes out of his way to be defiant.

The act is getting old. He needs to control his life before it goes to waste.

I finally reached the backyard and instantly regretted not bringing a coat. The cold still air caused goosebumps on my legs which I crossed together when I sat on the bench. Shivers shot up my spine when my skin contacted with the chilled wood, but I did not really care. You grew used to the cold after so many years of freezing winters. I dug into the side pocket of my thin jacket for something to keep me warm…ish: Cigarettes. Go ahead and say I'm too young for it, I don't care. Having the smoke inhaled then exhaled felt good; probably because breathing in and out is said to calm nerves.

I opened the new package of fresh sticks before holding the end of one between my lips. As I flicked my lighter, I heard feet shuffling behind me. Out of curiosity, I glimpsed over my shoulder. Jude sat beside me on the bench. He did not look too concerned about the speech I gave, but I didn't care. I felt my body tense with him so close to me. He was just perfect. I seldom found boys who I found attractive like Jude. Don't ask why, I just never did.

I sucked in some of the polluting air before I heard him speak:

"That was, um, some speech ya gave in there?" He grinned amusedly, "You do tha' often?"

I shook my head, "Only when someone makes assumptions. I know people think I'm some nerd who runs like clockwork," I watched him light his own cigarette, "But…I don't like doing it."

"Then why do it?"

"Because, unlike Max and Lucy, my parents could care less about my future and what I do with it. They use most of their money for their stupid trips or splurge on useless crap; I get an allowance to use for food and stuff I need. Those grants and prizes? All the money I win goes to my college fund." I took another puff before blowing out, "I'm not as lucky as some people."

"Eh, I know wha' ya mean. My mum cares about me, but my future is a rare topic," We both chuckled softly. "Mostly my work is wha' she talks about."

"You worked at a shipyard?" I guess.

"How'd ya know?"

"I read in the papers about the England draft. It mentioned something about guys having to work in a shipyard or factory if they wanted to keep out of it. They ended it a while ago, right?"

"Yea," He nodded, "But I still work. Only steady income for the house."

"I guess I have it pretty easy compared to you," I said.

"Well, from what I've 'eard," He said, "You're parents aren't 'round much."

"Haha, never around is more like it. When they are, they just work all the time or go out to dinner without me."

"And you don't care?" He asked. "If it were me I would. Bein' in a house all by yourself with no one around. I'd go mad."

"It does get a little lonely, but I sometimes think it's better like that. I would prefer to be alone, then have them home and ignoring me."

He nodded. We both continued to talking about home lives until someone else arrived: Lucy. Great. Here it goes. I took another drag of my cigarette.

"Sorry you guys had to see that," Lucy said, sitting down. She noticed the cancer stick in my hand, "Penn, put that out!" She took it from me and put it out

"What did you do that for?" I asked a little upset. "I paid for that you know."

"My parents are inside!" She whispered, "They'll see you! You're not supposed to be smoking."

"But Jude-" I motioned to him as he grinned.

"-Jude's an adult, so he can do it. You're not. So, put them away!"

"You're no fun," I grumbled, sticking my package back in my pocket.

I crossed my arms as Lucy began talking to Jude. I noticed the way he looked at her as they talked: Working his charm on her, complimenting her. I might as well have not been there. Seeing her distracted by the guy I grew a liking to, I pulled out another cigarette and lit that up. This time I truly needed the relief of that small white stick. I looked her over as they spoke. Her hair hung around her unblemished face smoothly; her pretty blue eyes glinted in the light as she gave Jude her straight smile. Her skirt showed off her legs perfect shape. She was so pretty and faultless. Her girlish laugh made him grin as they both chatted. I puffed out more smoke in a different direction.

Lucy never knew this; I never spoke out about my feelings…but she made me feel so…So unpretty. When we walked down the hall, I felt like a busted up car driving beside a brand new one. She received all the attention no matter what she did; people only noticed me when I won something. Adults tell me I'm just as pretty as her, but I could see the lies in their eyes. I had small blemishes occasionally (not now because I felt no stress and was undeniably clean) my hair frizzed a lot if I didn't care for it constantly, my figure was slightly skinner than hers and not as full.

"-When Penny's around it's usually about her and me," Lucy answered a question I had not heard. "My parents adore her."

"Because they pity me for not having parents to dote on me when I win something or get my name in the paper or whatever," I answered.

"My God, it's like this every time I come home!" Max came storming out of the house yelling, "What do they talk about when I'm not here?"

"You mostly," Lucy answered.

He began apologizing to Jude about the dinner. The speech I gave hadn't happened in his world; not that I cared. People usually pushed me advice or words aside. I bet if _Lucy_ had said it, he'd listen.

"-Penny?" Lucy's voice caught my attention.

"Huh?" I looked up. They were all standing up, Jude and Max already walking towards the house.

"Bowling? Wanna come along?" She asked.

"Sure."

I stomped on my cigarette, and then followed her inside again.


	3. Stupid Girls

Chapter Title: Stupid Girls by Pink

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><p>"Did we really have to come to the bowling alley?"<p>

Despite the holiday, a lot of people bowling tonight. I walked with Lucy in linked arms, looking around the scene: People getting food and drinks at the stand, bowling at the lanes, cheering when they hit a strike or groaning when they guttered. I tried to convince Lucy that sitting in and watching movies was better…but _no. _I personally wasn't a big fan of bowling, since I wasn't any good and the sport never interested me. My role in the team was watcher. I'd sit and watch the others bowl, maybe join in just to complete the team.

"There's nothing wrong with bowling, Penn. Why do you always complain about everything?" Lucy asked with a smile, "Bowling isn't _that_ bad."

"Complaining? How am I complaining? You know I don't like bowling."

She didn't answer me as we received our shoes, and then headed to the lanes beside Max and Jude. Emily and Tracy waited in our lane, so lots of hugs were exchanged before we all settled down for the game. I watched them start to put down names in order: Lucy first, Emily second, Tracy third and me last. They talked about their dinners while I slipped on the shoes. I hated wearing them. There was always the small embarrassment of falling flat on your face. I did not need humiliation tonight. Maybe tomorrow, but not now. My eyes wandered off once the shoes fitted my feet. A lot of people from school were there. I thought this was a little funny, seeing how it was Thanksgiving and instead of spending the time with their parents, they went out. People must dislike their parents like I did mine. Emily and Lucy began talking about Max and Jude. I tried not to listen.

"-He's totally cute," Emily said. "Where's he from?"

"England," Lucy answered. "His accent is totally cute."

"He's so into you-"

Tuning out the conversation, I moved my attention towards the lane next to me. I did not stare dead-on because I'd attract too much attention, but I observed subtly. Jude watched Max bowl perched on the booth seats. He really caught my eye without trying too hard; something about him rendered me incapable of looking away. It was kind of pathetic, yes. I suppose the lack of fresh meat in this town made him good in my eyes. Was it his laugh? His general air of kindness? His charm? I could not tell. I just knew I found him interesting. Yet, my eyes and back turned away from him when he noticed. He must've thought I was some kind of freak for looking at him like that. No wonder he liked Lucy. She wasn't obvious and meager like me. My hands began toying with the hem of my skirt for something to occupy them. Jude stayed on my mind; I swore his eyes stayed on me even when I moved away. Perhaps all those times he was gazing at Lucy, he stared at me. Maybe his appeal favored me. Yet, my smile faded slowly when I recalled the glances at dinner and the talk at the benches. I was dreaming.

Lucy stood up to bowl, but I barely gave consideration to it. My mind stayed on Jude, and thinking of ways to impress him. I could not think of anything I had that Lucy didn't. Guys liked stupid liked girls who gussied themselves up a lot; who cooked and cleaned well; who did whatever they asked because they were oh-so-devoted. Girls like me: Smart ones who thought for themselves and could speak their minds…we were always overlooked. We weren't noticed like Lucy or Emily…or even Tracy! I hugged my sides some, trying to push all thought of Jude and boys from my mind.

"I think I'm gonna go get a drink," I told them all.

I walked over to the stand where a small line of people stood. I was not really thirsty. Going to get a drink had always been my way of avoiding things…that and going to the bathroom.

" 'Ey," I heard a voice say next to me.

Jude stood beside me in the line, hand in his pocket and one going through his hair. Mud-brown eyes looked down at me with a small charming grin. I tried not to melt completely at them. He must believe I'm some pitiful girl with a crush. I figured he might try to take advantage of that, but then again, I might be wrong completely. I shuffled my feet a bit, closing myself off some with my arms around my sides. I emphasized my bust some…isn't that what girls did to get attention? Show off whatever size chest they held?

"Hey," I responded, being polite and friendly. Have to give off that impression or he won't like me.

"You know," He began, "Max was a bit peeved by what you had told him."

"Naturally." I tried not to look at him so much, because I felt if I did, he'd see the interest in my eyes.

"I honestly don't see what all the fuss was about. You were only tellin' him the truth, right?

"Yeah. People like Max cannot really grasp the truth that well. They don't like being told what to do, even though that was not my intention at all. I only told him what he _should_ do with his life, instead of exhausting it with drugs and booze. I know he's not a drug addict or anything, he doesn't have the proper personality and he's too strong willed for it-"

"-You really seem to know a lot about people," Jude cut into my rant.

"Eh," I shrugged taking a step in the line, "I just have good observation skills. One of the benefits of nobody really speaking to you: you see stuff others don't."

"Another reason why everyone thinks you're so smart?"

"I suppose. I think people assume that I'm smart is because of all my 'academic achievements," I finger marked the last words. "I do stupid stuff occasionally. I'm just discrete about it."

"Yea, wouldn't wanna ruin your oh-so-important reputation," He joked.

I laughed softly with him, "Like, I've gotten drunk before just in the confines of my own home. I've brought boys home when I find one who's actually interested in me. I've never done drugs before though." Mainly because there were no dealers around.

He nodded, "Nothin' wrong with breakin' the rules once in a while; shows you're not afraid of gettin' in trouble."

"Well, I doubt anything serious would happen to me. I might get a slap on the wrist for it if I ever got caught with alcohol in my house or if I broke some petty school rule. No principal wants to lose his star pupil." Another advantage to being "the smart one": You got away with things.

"So…Do you got a boyfriend then? You know, you being _such _a bad girl, you surely attract some kind of attention."

I hesitated at the question. Didn't boys usually ask if you were taken before they made a move on you? Maybe Jude was interested in me after all…or curious about me. We were in front of the line now.

"No…No, I don't. Lucy's the one with the boyfriend," I shook my head and blushed.

"Well, how come? Found nobody worth datin'?"

She put my hands in my pockets casually, "Not really. Most of the boys here like those stupid self-centered girls. They like the girls who spend forever in front of a mirror; take hours to pick out something to wear. I'm not like them, so I'm immediately taken out of the equation."

"I'll let ya in on a little secret: Not all men like stupid girls," He smirked. "Me, for instance, I like a girl who could think for herself, not relyin' on me to make all the decisions; a girl who is actually interestin' and well…is not like the rest; who I feel is like me other half."

"Everyone wants their other half. The fantasy of there being someone out there in the world made specifically for you is the center of millions of stories throughout the ages. Since Greek times."

"Seriously, I'd like to know 'ow you know so much," He grinned softly.

"I read."

I walked away from him to the counter. My whole body felt numb. My knowledge of the ways of boys was minimal, but didn't one asking you about your love-life mean he liked you? I ordered a regular soda, tapping my hands on the glass counter. I took a gander over my shoulder, seeing Jude watching me. My cheeks felt hot when I turned back to pay for my drink. Feeling all giggly never suited me. It was one of those emotions I hardly experienced. Bottle in my hand, I left the line, walking right past Jude on my way back to the lanes. His eyes never left me.


	4. Where'd Ya Go?

Chapter Title: Where'd Ya Go? by Fort Minor

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><p>If I thought I had never felt giggly, I surely <em>never<em> experienced this. Our hands resembled the act of ships over the water, going wherever it felt right; our lips locked gently, possessing and caressing; the heat between us fogged up the car windows; I even felt my shoe touch on something flat on the other side of the car. Fingers tangled into hair as bodies came closer and lips deepened their lock. His faint scent of cologne and cigarettes filled my lungs. Everything about him intoxicated me. I could become addicted to him if this continued. The whole feel of him made me tremble. A gasp surfaced when I felt a soft grind and a low groan. My mind contemplated the meaning, but my body thought nothing of it. I wanted him. I wanted _all_ of him right then. I never had boys like him, and I probably never will.

Jude's hand went up into my curls, holding my head to kiss me. He rested between my legs; his hips beckoning mine to press back. The hands that stayed up above my waist slowly sank downward. I knew this was wrong: letting a boy take advantage of me in the backseat. I knew it from the very beginning when he asked me to go outside with him for a smoke. I mean, he surprised me at first when we were just standing against the car. Then he did the whole 'are-you-cold?' trick on me, and I let him think I fell for it. Now I lay underneath him on the leather seats.

"Penny." My name sounded so sweet rolling from his tongue. Another grind and those hands found themselves on my hips.

Should I allow him to go further or stop here? The hands snaked underneath my thighs, lifted them up some. More? They grasped there gently as his lips trailed down my skin to my neck. More? He sucked and even nibbled on my skin, sending sparks of pleasure down into my core. More? A hand went into a place no other hand had.

I never stopped him.

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><p>I did not disclose losing my virginity to a guy I would- most likely – never see again to anyone. Did I feel regret? Not right then. I did not expect Jude and me to run off to New York and live happily ever after. I doubted him swearing undying love to me or give promises he'll return one day. Things like that never happened. The whole 'never ending love' thing was designed by movie studios to make girls keep their legs closed until 'Romeo' came along. Sad thing the movies never say is that he doesn't exist.<p>

In the same night, Jude left with Max to New York. I supposed I was his little slice of Small Town Girl Pie. There were no exchanges of love notes or phones calls answered with smiles afterwards. There was nothing. Our night had meant nothing. The whole thing might as well have never happened. On the outside I pretended his leaving without another word had not bothered me, but inside it did. I knew he wouldn't stay…a part of me wished he _had_ asked me to come to New York with him.

I spent the rest of my time in school working on forgetting him. I worked on anything I could lay my hands on and receive some recognition or satisfaction from it while occasionally drinking. My type-writer saw me more than once a day, and for longer than an hour. My fingers dashed over the keys; my eyes read the black letters on the white paper; I'd stop to take a drink of whatever I had poured. The work eventually worked its magic. Of course, nobody ever forgets their first time, but it was easier to suppress. All was fine in my world.

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><p>"<em>We'll be home soon"<em>

I read the last words on the letter with my mother's voice talking in my head. I imagined her smiling and then kissing my cheek like she had when they left. She even said the same words; she ended every letter with them. I remember once trying to believe them. I tried maintaining some faith of those words. She wrote them all the time, so that must mean that they were true, right? Them not here made my home empty. Yes, it was better than them being here and ignoring me. Yet, I still wanted them. I needed that sense of stability. They did not complete me, but they did fill the picture. I set down the letter and turned back to my typewriter.

I tried to write, but couldn't. My eyes glanced up at the calendar above my desk. Tons of red X's filled half the December page. Mom and Dad said they'd be coming home soon; "soon" was in the shape of green X. Yes, I counted the days until they returned. When they came back, perhaps we'll all be together for Christmas. Maybe I'd actually decorate the tree with Mom; Dad still had time to hang lights, and maybe the gingerbread house will be made by two instead of one. I felt my heart sink as my eyes looked back down to my typewriter. Words never came. Ideas did, but not proper structure. I had the right idea; the right plot, but no way of writing it. I suppose my parents had driven it out. I took a long sip of the scotch in the glass by my side before going back to the keys.

'_Why did they have to leave? Why couldn't they have stayed? Is Europe that exciting? Why couldn't they have taken me with them? All I ask is they come back and stay. I know soon my mom will get another job somewhere and make money, which would lead them into spending it on some lavish trip. Is it me? Am I a bad daughter?'_

My fingers conducted them like a symphony. I said every word in my head, my thoughts clouding my mind like my tears did my eyes; my hand occasionally breaking it for a gulp of scotch and to pour more. The words went in no particular direction. They only went forward through me.

'_I want to yell at them sometimes. I want them to know how much I hate them. I hate them for leaving me here. I hate them for ignoring me. I'm tired of them never loving me. Why? Why don't they love me? Why doesn't anyone? Because I'm not perfect. Because I'm ugly, worthless and pathetic. Jude left me because he didn't want me, just like them. He wanted to use me and I let him. Why? To step onto some path of self-destruction? Because just for a little while I wanted to feel like someone needed me with them?'_

A door knock ruined the symphony. I figured it must be Lucy checking up on me. She never had to, but did anyways. Another good thing about her. Reluctantly, I drowned the rest of my drink and headed for the stairs. No surprise, Lucy stood there in my doorway, pretty and blond, with a stack of envelopes in her hand. The sunlight behind her blinded me some, making me squint as I peered at her silhouette. She handed me the envelopes without saying anything as I let her in.

"You know," My retinas became used to the darkness again when I shut the door, "Looking through people's mail is illegal. Invasion of privacy. You can get arrested for it."

She laughed softly, "I'm just checking up on you. I figured you hadn't gotten the mail, so I got it for you. You've been drinking haven't you? I can tell by the look on your face."

"Yeah, a bit," I said distractedly.

I rifled through the mail while her voice hung in the background: Bill, bill, catalogue, bill, and letter. I recognized my name written in my mother's elegant writing. I followed Lucy absentmindedly into the living room where she sat down in one of the chairs; I walked over to the liquor cabinet and poured a glass for myself.

"Where do you get that stuff anyways?" Lucy asked, "You're not even close to twenty one."

"A guy I know who works at the liquor store. Every few weeks I go buy stuff from him in the back alley," I sat down with the bottle on the coffee table, "I hear he makes a pretty solid business for himself."

"And you're not afraid he'll tell someone?"

"No, because he'll get in trouble for stealing from the store's inventory, selling booze, and giving it to minors." I took a sip before our real chat started.

We talked about Daniel, the war, the news, our parents, Max, and anything else our teenage minds focused on. I sipped here and there; I tried best to hold my intake. The fun of getting drunk dimmed when you ended up basically drinking by yourself. No, I didn't drink because I wanted to feel "grown up" or to "be cool". I drank for the same reason a lot of depressives drink: I wanted to get rid of the pain of being alone; I wanted to forget the fact I'll always be alone. For the hours I remained wasted, I felt numb.

"Speaking of letters," Lucy said during our conversation, "Shouldn't you read that one? Maybe your parents have good news."

"Or maybe they don't."

I threw the rest of the drink into my mouth, and then began tearing the letter open. I held it in one with the empty glass in the other.

'_Dear Penny,_

_Hey honey. I'm sorry we haven't written in a while. Things have just gotten a little crazy around here. Daddy and I just love Paris; it's so beautiful this time of year. The way the snow falls on heavy days and how the architecture is. You would love it here, Penny. I know you would. _

_Anyways, I have some news. The company is sending me out to Spain for a while, and since Daddy is already with me, we're just going together. I'm sorry, baby, but we won't be home for Christmas this year. You know we would do anythi-'_

"Liar!"

The letter and bills fell like scattered rain over the coffee table and the glass smashed against the wooden floor. Lucy gasped, but I did not seem to notice. I knew it would happen. I knew they'd find some excuse to keep them away from here. They didn't want me. They had abandoned me, but just never said so. They neglected me. They ignored me. I stormed out of the room, rushing up my stairs with fury steaming inside me. No plan came to mind; my body worked on its own accord.

I bursted into my room with a slam; I went over to my closet to throw it open. At the bottom sat a small luggage case, the only one I owned. I clasped it open and threw it on my bed. My mind moved a million miles a minute. The only stable thought I had was: How could they do this to me? I'm their only child. How can they just leave me here like this? Alone? All the time? I began grabbing things from drawers, tugging clothes from hangers, and not caring what I messed up in between. Lucy's footsteps could not even be heard over my drunken anger.

"Penny," She said softly, a little horrified by what she saw, "Penny, it's no big deal. You can just-"

"-Just what? Spend the rest of the year here alone? Have nobody but you to actually give a shit about me?" I asked her, hurling a shirt into the pile of clothes. "I can't take it anymore Lucy. I can't. I hate being here! I hate sitting here alone in this house all the time! Would it kill them to come back? Would it kill them to at least write that they love me?"

My anger forced me to kick at my night stand, which shook and a lamp crashed on the floor. The crash stimulated me; I began throwing items across the room, making sure they collided with some kind of surface as I stumbled around. I felt like I was spinning out of control. Shatters and thumps sounded whenever an object collided with the surface. Every little thing I turned over, smashed, and destroyed brought me back down to sanity.

"Penny stop!" She took me by my shoulders to keep me steady. "Penny, this is nuts. Look at yourself. You've been drinking; you're not thinking straight right now."

I said nothing. I pulled away from her and I charged out into the hall towards my parent's room. Money. I needed money if I was gonna go anywhere, right?

"I just don't understand it…I don't understand why they would do this to me…" My voice quavered as I threw open one of the bottom dresser drawers. "I've never done anything to upset them…I never act out or misbehave…I never, ever_, _**ever **gave them a reason to leave me alone…to leave me alone in this stupid house, in this stupid town…" I tossed useless items over my shoulders until I found the tin box sitting in a corner.

I pulled it out and sat on the floor to open it.

"Penny, listen to yourself," Lucy felt safer moving closer to me distracted. "You know none of that is true…your parents just get-"

"-Busy? They're always busy with stuff, Lucy," My voice cracked at the last words. "They never made time…never made time…for me…"

"You're drunk, Penn," She tried prying the box from me, but I held on tight before opening it roughly. "Listen to me: You can stay with me until they come back. My parents wouldn't mind it-"

"-No," I shook my head rapidly as I searched through paid bills and pictures, "Last thing I want is living off of other people, especially your parents who look at me like I'm some kind of saint."

I eventually found the stack of money my parents left behind. They expected me to use it to pay bills and feed myself, but I wasn't gonna do that. How much sat in my hand? I was not entirely sure. I hadn't used much of it since they left, because I never really bought anything. I stood up, holding the dresser for balance. Lucy tried to reason with me again, but it didn't work. I made up my mind.

"I don't…I don't wanna be here anymore…" I felt tears stinging my eyes and sobs exploding from my chest. "I hate it here…I hate it here…I hate it here!" I pushed a nearby vase off a table along with a few other things my mother kept there. "I hate the loneliness….the isolation…The only person that ever comes to see me is you! Nobody else cares! I'd die in here and nobody would've bothered to check up!"

Leaving the house was a much better deal than leaving life. I won't lie about not thinking about suicide, the act crossed my mind several times on those drunken nights alone. I could never draw up the courage to finally bring a blade to my wrist or wrap a noose around my neck. Suicide was just not my style, I suppose. I walked back into my room where the suitcase sat open on my bed. I stuffed all that would fit in there before forcing it to close. Lucy asked me where I planned on going.

"I don't know," I grumbled. "Somewhere away from here."

"Go to New York," Lucy said, trailing after me towards the front door. "Max is there, and you would have a place to stay until you get one of your own. You'll be safe there. I'll call him later to tell him you're coming."

She meant 'safe' as in someone looking after me. My tears stopped flowing, but threatened to come back as I walked out of the house, the keys in my hand. The family car sat in our driveway because my parents took a cab to the airport. I'm sure they wouldn't mind me taking it and running off. I opened the door.

"Penny, please stop," She tried to pull me away, but I shrugged her off and got inside. "Penny!" Her pale hands banged on the glass window, "Penny, don't go! You don't have to go!"

Her pounding faded when the engine rumbled. Our eyes met, hers pleading and mine determined. This town would be behind me, and with it all the pain and hate I felt. Perhaps in New York I'll find a new me. I'll find a way out of my depression. If Max really did live in New York, maybe his outlook on life would help me out of mine…maybe Jude might actually want me…

"Bye Lucy."

And I was gone.


	5. New York, New York

Chapter Title: New York, New York by Frank Sinatra

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><p>The train to New York turned out highly uneventful. Mainly I sat and wrote on a notepad the train offered in the seats while the train rolled city by city. My parent's abandonment swam in my head until I sobered up and realized how rash my decision had been. What possessed me? Hate? Anger? A mixture of both stirred with alcohol? I was surprised I even remembered to bring money or that I drove well enough without crashing. I normally forget a lot of things after I've had a few. I found some stashed away in my suitcase, so at least I wasn't broke. In my subconscious, perhaps I mapped the whole thing. How convenient for me…Perhaps I knew one day I'd lose my mind and leave.<p>

My stop came eventually after several long hours on the train. The crowded station filled with people, all coming and going or sitting in the coffee shops. People slept on the benches; sat and watched the TVs hanging on walls; people getting luggage, and whatever else they were up to. I walked amongst them with a suitcase in one hand, staring around. Lucy said she'd call Max so he would know I arrived in New York. I doubted he actually remembered or if he cared. Honestly, I was escaping loneliness…but I did not want to be surrounded. I believed I needed some time away from people I knew; if I happened to run into Max, great…if not, even better. I traveled through the place, walking into the cold New York air.

Six o'clock tolled now; the buildings of the city blocked out the setting sun, leaving a very dim glow. I gazed around the place, searching for a motel I could spend the night in. The first thing on my list was shelter; Lucy gave me no address, so I found myself on my own. This did not matter, since I was well practiced in self-management. Although, having a steady home would be nice. I moved down the streets: passed prostitutes on the corners, homeless people holding up cups and hands for change; the neon lights of stores shining and lighting my way through the sidewalk. I thought a large city with so many people would have tons of motels left and right. I assumed I must be missing them. My suitcase weighed me down; I constantly readjusted it and switched it from hand to hand. Last thing I needed was handle imprints burning on my palms.

Luck struck finally when I found a motel above a bar. The room I slept in wasn't too bad. The comfy bed, television and decent shower kept me all right. In the morning I would go apartment hunting. I was not sure how much apartments went for there, but it couldn't be _too_ much. Once I lied in the bed, I realized how tired I was…falling asleep immediately.

You know the saying "tomorrow is a new day"? Well, tomorrow and yesterday were twins. The cold city still grungy; people focused on their destinations; a total ordinary day. I felt no new prospect at "finding myself" or smiling like an idiot at a carnival. I only walked. The classified section in a magazine I found in the lobby being my only guide around. The outdated magazine came up with no results: A lot of the spaces were already occupied. My agenda: My way around the city, a decent place to live, a job, and a place where a teenager can purchase booze. A lot to go through, but the effort would be worth it.

Afternoon rolled on me, leaving me looking through five different places around town, the soles of my feet aching, and nothing but water filling my stomach. The cold winds brushed against me as I moved down the sidewalks. I had only brought a thin sweater that barely kept me warm; my plan had _definitely_ not been well thought out. Regardless, I continued on my way. An apartment was not something I was going to find overnight; if I found nothing today, perhaps tomorrow. My train wreck of a plan left me completely helpless. I had grown used to being on my own, but things were different.

Five apartment rejections later, going home sounded good. Yes, I would get the 'I-knew-you-would-come-back' smirk from Lucy, but at least I'd have my old life back: Typewriter in front of me, glass of…something in a hand, and the steady sound of silence. Yet, the thing I escaped would come back to haunt me; the alienation that loomed over me settling in the air…never leaving. Yes, my parents would eventually come back…but my seclusion will always remain. Maybe it was my fault for that…I never tried to talk to them…I once did…they'd listen for a moment, and then something would pull them away from me. Here in the city…I was more alone than ever. Not a friendly face; not a single smile; nothing. I walked alone in the street, lugging my suitcase around place to place. Is this what life would be like now? Moving from motel to motel, and then eventually landing on the street begging for change? I hoped not.

I saw a man on the corner in front of a liquor store. He stood with a guitar and case open beside him; his shaggy appearance told me he must be homeless. His withered hands strummed along to the gentle rhythm of his song, his voice vocalizing beautiful words. People even stopped to listen or dropped money into his case. I listened to him:

"_Start spreading the news…_

_I'm leavin' today…_

_I want to be a part of it…_

_New York, New York"_

The funny thing about music is sometimes you feel better after hearing it. The beat made people smile as well his charismatic smile and kind head nods of thanks. I tossed a few bills in his case before moving on. A hand in my pocket, I thought of how long my cash flow will last…hopefully after I find a decent job.

The day ended with no results. The next day shined a brighter light on my situation. I had been walking down the street from the motel I spent my night in, when I saw it. The little red poster sign:

"**Spare Room for Rent. Room 1004. Ask for Sadie."**

I felt my heart lift at the hope of having a decent place to live. I wasn't too sure how much the deposit or rent costs. As long as I had a fixed home, things were fine. I walked right into the large, brick building up the flights of stairs. The building could've used a new paint job, but at least heat warmed me. After several flights of stairs, my heart pounding and my throat slightly dry from panting I found 1004. I caught my breath before tapping my knuckles on the door.

My eyes opened wide and my jaw dropped a bit. A tall, skinny boy with curly black hair had answered the door, his dark honey-colored eyes looking back down at me. I instantly remembered our night. I remembered those eyes staring at me with their usual charm, luring me into his trap. I recalled the small heartbreak possibly being a link to my alcoholism. We stared at each other for a few minutes. His smooth Liverpool accented voice said:

"Penny…Wha-What are you doin' 'ere?" He asked me. His tone more surprised than upset.

"I was, um…I um…" I could barely speak. Not because of him, but…I can't explain it well. "I saw the sign and…"

"Jude, who's there?"

A tall, tanned woman came beside him. Her hair trailed down in light brown waves to the middle of her back, while eyes with hinted permanent seduction laid themselves on me. I assumed she was Sadie, since well, I didn't see any other female around. Jude noticed my voice had gone, so he answered.

"Um, Sadie, this is Penny-"

"-I saw your sign downstairs," I motioned to the stairs as if the sign hung there. "About the spare room, and was wondering if the space was available."

"Oh yeah," She said, now knowing what I asked for. "Come on in."

I walked in with Jude behind me. She introduced herself as Sadie and began giving me a small tour of the place. If my house stood next to this room, they'd be opposites: The apartment had miss-matched furniture, paint peeled in places, and a general air of a place needing a fix-up. I tried my best to listen to her, but Jude's presence sapped my attention. I guess the night we were together lingered in his mind like it did mine. She asked if a deposit would be a problem; I said no. I had plenty of money left, despite what I had already spent. When I handed it to her, she spoke with a small smirk on her face:

"How long have you been in New York?"

"Three days," I answered, suitcase sitting between my legs.

"And you've been wearin' that this whole time?" She gestured to the small sweater I wore.

"Yep," I nodded. "I kinda left in a hurry-"

"-You ran away?" I heard Jude's voice come from behind us.

"Yeah," I said, looking at him."I had to…"

Sadie sensed something, "You two know each other?"

"Um, yeah," I said. "I met him through Max, my best friend's brother."

"Oh," She exclaimed, "You're the girl he was goin' on about the other night."

"What? He lives here too?" Oh God…

"Yeah, he was tellin' us about a girl he knew back home that was a total recluse who drank all the time…"

I chuckled softly, "Sounds like me…"

I supposed she understood my reason for not going into detail. "Well, everythin' seems to be good. The room's all yours, honey."

I grinned, "Thanks."

I felt so accomplished. The room I now lived in was no different than the rest of the house: complete with a bed sitting in the corner, a dresser and mirror, a closet, and light blue paint chipped to show yellow behind it. The only thing I really paid attention to was the desk near the window. I touched on the wood, feeling the smoothness of it. Yes, it could use a little TLC…but it was a desk…I just needed paper and pen and I was set. If I was gonna live anywhere, I needed my


	6. If We Were a Movie

Chapter Title: If We Were a Movie by Hannah Montana

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><p>I found myself later that night sitting at the small kitchen table. A bowl of cereal sat in front of me with me spooning mouthfuls of small coco puffs in my mouth. My housemates (I suppose you could call them that) turned out as a nice bunch: Some of the people were in Sadie's band, a few others were friends of hers just crashing for the night and the others were Jude and Max. Most of them sat with me at the table for conversation, but Jude sat in the living room area. His eyes focused on the sketch pad in his lap, his hand moving over the paper with a piece of charcoal. I occasionally glanced his way when I saw the chance. He just kept his focus on his drawing.<p>

I told everyone there my "story so far": My parents, their neglect and abandonment, how I ran away due to a drunken rage, and everything else. They always say letting your emotions out made you feel better. In my case, this was not entirely true. The more I told them, the closer I came to realizing I really had no family at all. At the beginning I did: We did things all families in the suburbs did…slowly that faded into where we were practically strangers. I went through my competition track records, my applications to Ivy League schools, and anything else I accomplished. I noticed I had done it to grab their attention rather than to do well for myself. Deep down, I hoped they would notice how wonderful I was and stay…my efforts didn't work.

I went to wash out my bowl in the sink as the conversation broke off into a different subject. As I moved the sponge around the outside of the bowl, I could feel Jude's eyes on me the whole time. My heart skipped a beat at the thought of us alone. The movie played wonderfully in my mind. We would both be friends at first, and then grow to fall in love and end with happiness. A funny cast of characters that help out the couple through the down scenes of the movie. He would be mine in that movie. Sadly, this was reality.

"Oh shit…"

I turned my head over my shoulder. In the entrance of the kitchen stood a tall man with shaggy yellow blond hair and noticeably bright blue eyes. I noted the scruffiness about him: The faint stubble on his jaw and chin, the worn look on his clothes, and bearing the signs of someone who lived paycheck to paycheck. New York definitely took its toll on Max, yet for some reason, the look fit him. A hand lifted to run through his hair, muttering once more:

"Shit…Penny, you're here."

"Yeah Max," I said, "I am here."

He grunted. "Lucy told me you were coming a few days ago and I fucking forgot…ugh…shit!"

I remembered Lucy telling me she'd call Max, but I thought he hadn't gotten the message. "It's no big deal, Max."

"But she wanted you to be safe with me," He said, walking into the room, "She'll kill me if she finds out I didn't pick you up like I told her I would…"

"Max," I said, facing him, "I'm fine. Really. I've managed to live these past three days alone. Plus, it's not like I'm gonna go to Lucy talking about how you forgot me. Honestly, I didn't really think you were gonna come anyways."

His distress eased some when I told him this; I watched him grab a beer from the fridge before sitting down. Apparently, Lucy had called him the afternoon I left, telling him the whole story about me leaving to New York. He said she figured him being there would give me a place to stay, even though I told her I could do fine on my own. Another contradiction to my running away: I was pushing people away from me.

"So, did ya leave them a note at least?" Max's voice said along with a bottle-cap snap.

"Huh? Oh, well I typed something up, but I can't call it a letter," I said, shaking excess water from the dish before wiping the dishtowel over it.

He stayed silent for a moment, and then said, "How come you never told them anything before?"

I paused. I honestly did not know. I assumed they would have figured it out by now. Maybe I misjudged their competence. They must have noticed how I isolated myself in my room from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed, only coming down for dinner; the way I rarely spoke around them; the way I glared at them sometimes when they announced they were going away again. Any decent parent would've seen the signs. How come they didn't?

"Because I just didn't," I finally answered. "Not like they would've cared or even listened to me. You knew what they were like Max: Kind hearted on the outside, completely negligent on the inside."

He saw the small hurt in my face and moved onto something else. I wasn't fully surprised to hear Jude was selling his drawings to a little anti-war organization, and Max nabbed a job as a taxi driver. I couldn't really picture him doing anything that required sitting behind a desk all day punching in numbers. He was too…free-spirited for that sort of thing. We talked more about things back home and drank a few beers with everyone else. I felt like we were getting to know each other all over again. New York had offered us both clean slates.

I soon said I was heading to bed. The thought of the soft, warm bed made me realize how tired I felt. My shoulders seemed to shrug down and my mind burned out. All I wanted was to sleep now. They all seemed to understand as they all began leaving one by one to their own rooms. Once in the privacy of my room, I crashed on my bed. A groan of satisfaction sounded in the room as I rolled around on my back. The mattress relieving the exhaustion I felt. I almost didn't want to leave my bed, but I needed to change out of my sweater and jeans. Sleeping in jeans is never comfortable.

I moved over to my dresser and began searching for clothes when I heard the door creak open. My eyes glanced up into the mirror where Jude's reflection stood in my doorway. My jaw dropped some at the sight of him. He really had caught me by surprise. All the concerns in my mind returned. I worried he might ask me why I came to New York; thinking I came for him. I looked down into the drawer again to continue my search.

"Hey Jude," I said, rifling through clothes.

"Hey Penny," I liked the way he said my name; especially in the heat of our moment together…a soft, panting breath.

There was this sullenness between us that filled the room. I could see him suddenly letting out his feelings for me with my back turned; my turning around slowly, then him repeating what he had said. He'd go into more detail; expressing how I am the only girl he wants. We would embrace into a long, deep kiss followed by him taking me a second time. However, the ridiculous film in my head cut off when I heard Jude speak:

"How 'ave you been?" He asked, his accent sounding out 'how' and 'you'.

"As good as a person who's had a last few shitty days can be," I replied, finally finding a suitable shirt and turning.

We both locked eyes for the first time since he opened the door. I felt my mind go numb for a second when I saw him there: The light shined behind him, so the shadowed light gave him a more mysterious sense about him with his dark eyes and messy hair. The movie in my mind played he would step towards me a few steps, cup my cheek with a soft hand, look right into my eyes and say something sweet and romantic in a low tone. That scene didn't make the cut in real life. Jude continued to stand away from me by the door.

"Were you a virgin?" I knew what he meant because it showed on my face.

I hesitated, "Yeah."

He ran a hand through his messy brown hair before leaning against the doorframe. "You could've said it. I would've stopped if I knew abo-"

"-I guess I hadn't been thinking properly when I…we…you know…" I did not really want to say 'had sex.'

He nodded, "I shouldn't 'ave come onto you like that. It was wrong of me-"

"-I didn't really complain, did I?" I cut him off, " I could've told you to stop if I wanted; I even thought about it…I guess it was because I really …" My voice trailed off, while my hand reached up to tuck hair out of my face. I clutched the shirt in my hand a little tighter and turned around.

"Liked it?" He asked. His eyes tried to meet with mine, but I moved back around to pretend to look for something else.

I heard gentle footsteps and then a hand press in between my shoulders. It caressed the spot carefully, soothing me. Jude really knew his stuff: He had me melting in moments with just that sweet touch. Half wanted to deny him; the other half desired him. When he saw I did not step away from him, his body came closer to mine. The hand on my back moved to one side while the other moved to the opposite; they brought me in. He held me close to him, his mouth brushing my ear.

"Well, that's good," He gave a soft smile, his dimples showing faintly. "I was worried I was gonna 'ave to give a repeat performance…step me game up some…"

We both shared a laugh. He rested his head on my shoulder, looking at me in the mirror. The embrace became a little tighter, and I felt his lips linger on the base of my neck. The soft pant of breath his nose let out caused goosebumps to break out all over me. His lips caressed a few more spots before he whispered to me:

"Night Penny," He said.

Those comforting arms slid away from me, and my movie ended. The door shut behind him, leaving me in a chilled, lonely darkness. For a moment, I wished his arms had not left me; that he had stayed with me tonight. I wanted the movie to keep playing…with the happy ending and everything…


	7. Bad Romance

Chapter Title: Bad Romance by Lady Gaga

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><p>I remember a long time ago when I could think up an idea and write it down smoothly. I hardly ever had trouble putting words together or had blocks…right now I was. I slunk back in the wooden chair at my desk, looking down at the pieces of loose paper I had bought. The lines were blank; merely laying there while I stared them down. I toyed with the pen in my hands, sinking deep into my thoughts. Back at home, I would spend hours in front of my typewriter working on things I would never actually publish. Why? Because I liked typing out whatever I invented. Whether it is a short story, a poem or even the beginning of a novel…I always had something.<p>

Now, my mind stood blank. I could not fully explain it right then. I just knew I couldn't think of anything worth writing about. I felt so empty. Dry. Dull. I left the seat and crash landed on the bed. I needed inspiration. I had none. Perhaps that was the problem: Not having enough inspiration to write…or maybe lack of motivation. I rolled around on my stomach to stare at the wall next to my bed. It was quite depressing actually.

"Penny?"

I turned my head over to look at Sadie in my doorway. She took this as a sign to come into the room, shutting the door behind her. I didn't move as she came closer and sat beside me.

"You okay, sugar?" She asked me gently. "You've been in here all afternoon."

"I'm alright," I answered. "I've just been thinking…trying to anyways." I pointed to the papers on my desk and she nodded in understanding.

"Is that all you do? I mean, besides drinkin'," She said with an amused grin.

"Hey, in my defense, I haven't had a drop since I got here-"

"-Because I don't let you," Sadie added.

We both shared soft laughter and then I spoke: "But yeah. Writing is my only real talent. I suck at sports; I can play some music, but I'm not gonna go make a gold record; I only sing in the shower and my dancing is saved for parties. I'm not saying I've never tried anything else…Writing stuff is just what I like most. I like writing down everything that's on my mind; I like piecing things together to create an interesting story with weird characters and settings people can picture. I used to spend all my time doing it at home…All those awards I used to win…All those chess tournaments and stupid essay competitions are really nothing in comparison. They were nice…but writing makes me feel complete. You know how hard it is to write an essay based on something someone _else_ wants you to write? Not easy. Now, when I have my own ideas; ideas that I enjoy and create on my own…I can write for as long as I can…" I realized half way through I had begun rambling, so I stopped.

"But, now you ain't got nothin'?" She guessed.

"Pretty much…" I answered. "I used to be so full of stuff...Not anymore. I suppose I lost that little fizzle…Probably from working so much…"

"Yeah," She said, "Workin' can do that to you, especially with one like yours that takes up all your time."

"I honestly don't see why people think waitressing is so hard" I said. "I find it kind of easy."

"Because you got a big brain," She said, tapping my head lightly. "You got the best memory I've ever seen a person have; that's why they give you so many hours. They know you can do your job."

"I guess…" I turned over on my side to face her properly. "They've been cutting back people's hours at work. They've started cutting some of mine."

"Well," She said, "Do you at least have the night off?"

"Yeah," I replied.

"Good, that means you can come to my gig tonight. You need to get out of here." She brushed from hair from my face to look at me better.

"What if I don't-"

"-You need to. You can't be stuck in here all hours of the day and night. Now, go find somethin' nice to wear and come out with us…you'll have fun."

"I don't have anything to-"

"-I'm sure we'll find something."

She kissed my temple, and then stood up to walk out of the room. Honestly, going out sounded like a good idea since I rarely left my room, let alone the apartment. I lifted myself off the bed when the door shut.

Café Huh? was packed when we walked inside. My face scrunched up at the first breath of cigarettes and booze, but soon enough I grew used to the scent. Everyone from the apartment had come along for the walk (the café wasn't far away), including Jude. He and I hadn't really spoken much since my first night. I hoped he would stop by my room like he had before, but he didn't. Actually, it was as if the moment never existed. I tried not caring…It barely worked.

The booth we sat at left me right across from him on the end, but I attempted to ignore him until he said something to me. That was how it worked right? You let them make the first move? I never really knew. I thought my outfit might get his attention. Sadie picked out a this frilly black halter top that showed a little more cleavage than I liked, with these suffocating tight jeans. The heels killed my feet, but I walked in them well. For some reason I suspected Sadie knew about my feelings for Jude, since she kept mentioning how hot I was gonna look. I didn't really like it at first. I already felt uncomfortable in my own skin; flaunting made my self-conscious level raise a lot.

However, when Sadie and her band began playing I noticed those gorgeous mud-brown eyes slanting over at me every so often. I sucked on the end of the cigarette I had and pretended not to notice. I really liked having him watch me, but I wasn't sure what to do about it. Then a voice behind me-a dark-skinned girl named Olivia- muttered something in my ear.

"Why don't you say something to him?" She asked.

"What do I say?" I responded.

"Ask him to dance. Talk. You two know each other, so it's not like he'll ignore you."

She was right. I carefully glanced at Jude, and I caught him looking at me. When he smirked, I blushed and turned away. I moved my eyes over to Sadie, who sang in a beautiful, raspy type voice backed by some soul beats. My foot tapped along with the beat and I danced in my seat a little. I felt his eyes still on me, but I centered my attention on the music. I knew if I looked back, I would give in immediately.

"He likes you, you know," Olivia said next.

"He does?"

"Yeah," She nodded. "Otherwise he wouldn't be staring at you like he has all night."

I nodded. I gathered up some confidence, but before I could lean over to him, someone came up to me. The man stood tall with a bald head and an air of someone who held this air of intimidation and dominance despite his short, plump stature. He gazed down at me with interest; I tore my eyes away from Sadie to return the stare.

"Hey there," He said, leaning up against the wood around the booth. "You're one of Sadie's friends, right?"

"Yeah," I answered, crossing my arms and legs. I felt so exposed right then. "I'm Penny."

"I'm Brian," He shook hands with me. "Pardon me for being a little bold, but you are a very pretty girl."

I rolled my eyes. Truthfully, I just wanted him to leave. He gave off this sense of creepiness that I did not find nice. The way he eyes looked me up and down, chills went up my spine. I covered my chest with my arms, looking away from him.

"I'm not interested-"

"-Can I buy you a drink?" He asked. "There's something I'd like to talk to you about."

"No thanks," I said firmly.

Brian pulled up a chair from an empty table and sat next to me. His voice leveled up to compete with Sadie's. I chanced a glance at Jude, who was shamelessly flirting with a dark-haired girl next to him. They were both laughing and talking. Immediately, I realized how stupid this had been. It didn't matter what I wore or what I did, Jude didn't really like me. He liked other girls…I was just another girl to him.

"I know you think I'm trying to pick you up," He said once he started talking.

"Kind of obvious you are," I said.

Jude still flirted with the other girl, but occasionally shifted over to me. The girl put her hand on his lap, both of them leaning in forward to talk in whispers to each other. Envy boiled inside me slowly. The girl wasn't even that pretty: she was too skinny and had a pointy nose. I turned away from them to Brian.

"I'm not. I'd like to discuss something with you," Brian said. "I own this club down the street, a strip club, and I'm lookin' for some fresh new faces. Girls who aren't afraid to get up on a pole and shake their ass for money; hot, sexy chicks who like showin' it all off," He said.

"Good for you," I replied.

The two were making-out now. Just like we did the night we first met. His hand was in her hair; his arm around her waist. Yet, when the girl moved down to his neck, he gave me a sideways glance before their lips connected. I didn't meet them.

"What I'm trying to say is: I dig your look. You got that whole brunette Cherie Curry thing going on; a style that says 'I'm-a-virgin-who-isn't-afraid-to-get-a-little-naughty'. My customers love that; _guys_ like that. You'd be perfect for my club."

"No thanks," I said again. "I already got a job."

I felt cheated. I knew Jude and I weren't a couple, but seeing him with someone else pained me. My heart crushed like someone crushed a can. Jude took it to squeeze all the love and throw it out. No. I wanted to be with him. I wanted him to like me back. I wanted him to kiss me instead of her; I wanted him…to love me…

"Doin' what?"

"Waitressing."

"Psh," He scoffed, "Waitresses make shit money. Listen," He put his hand into his pocket, "Whenever you wanna stop making minimum wage and go to where the real money's at, give me a call or stop by. My office is always open."

I took the card he handed out. The shiny, neon green paper looked like an ordinary business card. A red figure in the shape of a stripper appeared to be wrapped around a pole, with the club info headed with the name: "Toxic".

"I look forward to hearin' from ya, beautiful," He said, standing up and then walked away.

I put the card in my pocket. I'll throw it away later.

The apartment became the bar's twin: people dancing, talking, smoking and even making out in dark corners. I held a beer casually in my hands as I walked around the scene, observing everyone. Jude and his special friend were nowhere in sight. I kind of hoped I wouldn't see them. I didn't want to relive watching them embrace. I know I sounded like some kind of obsessive creep…I wasn't. I didn't need to have Jude in my life…I just wanted him.

Eventually, I leaned up against a wall and continued staying alone.

"Hey you."

Jude came up beside me, holding his own beer and cigarette. His dark browns gazed down at me; I thought I'd melt.

"Hey," I faced him. "Where's your special friend?"

He chuckled softly, "She ditched me. Apparently, she didn't like me starin' at other girls."

I played coy. "You should've been more discrete in your leering then." I took a sip of my half-empty beer.

He nodded, moving closer to me, "Well, I just couldn't help meself; especially when the girl looks so beautiful tonight…"

Slowly Jude brought me to him for a kiss. He locked his lips with mine; brush his tongue lightly against mine, and his hands hold me against him. What was probably a couple of minutes seemed like years; Jude touched me with caressing hands, soft lips and grinds which I returned right there. I felt someone might be watching us, but I didn't care who did. Before I knew it, Jude pulled me into his room and shut the door.

* * *

><p>I normally don't say this but...Reviews would be nice...Just sayin'...<p> 


	8. She Works Hard For the Money

Chapter Title: She Works Hard For the Money by Donna Summer

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><p>I didn't think about Brian or his club for the next few weeks. Stripping off my clothes for strangers wasn't really a career I saw myself doing. Yes, I heard they made good money, but I felt way too self-conscious. So, I stuck to my waitressing job…regardless of how much I hated it. Coming home smelling like food, my feet aching from moving around all day and a little aggravated from all the bullshit I put up with was all the things I put up with at my job. But hey, it paid right?<p>

I crashed on a chair in the kitchen when I came home, immediately getting that tingling on the heels of my feet. I knew it would hurt more when I stood up again. A glass of red wine was placed in front of me and a kiss was planted on the top of my head.

"Hey Sadie," I could tell it was her by the smell of her perfume: A soft lavender scent completely untouched by cigarette smoke that came off of her and onto me.

"Hey honey," She sat down next to me. "How was your day?"

"It sucked," I took up the glass and sipped it. The moment the alcohol touched my lips, I felt myself kind of unwind. "I hate people…You guys are okay, but the rest of the world sucks."

"I told you to quit if you hate it so much," She said.

"I need the money. Where else am I gonna find a job?"

"The organization I work with could always use more writers for their newsletters," A guy next to me said. He was lanky with circular glasses, long beard and long hair. "I could put in a word for ya."

"Thanks John," I said, "But I'd rather write about something I believe in than something I don't."

"Then what else are you gonna do?" Sadie said. "If you hate waitressin' so much, then leave and look around somewhere else."

"I'll think about it." I sipped more wine before I heard Max's voice from the other room.

"_I can talk to Frank and put in a good word for you!"_

"She ain't gonna sell any dope Max!" Sadie called back.

"_Whatever…"_

"What about that guy from the club? You still have his card, don't you?" Sadie asked me.

"I'm not going to be a stripper."

"_Aw why not?" _I heard Jude's voice ask from the next room, _"I'd go watch you…Be your biggest fan!"_

"_Me too!" _Max's voice followed.

"Hey, Peanut gallery! Shut it!" I responded.

"_Whatever..."_

I looked back to Sadie, "I don't see myself doing that…I might as a last resort. That Brian guy seemed like such a creep though."

"Most club owners are creeps, baby girl," A deep voice said from behind me.

Jojo was the apartment's newest tenant. Broad shouldered, chocolate colored skin with black hair and a guitar strapped to his back, Jojo was the newest member of Sadie's band. She apparently liked him and he ruled the guitar. I didn't know much about his story, but I liked him. He walked into the kitchen with an empty glass, putting it in the sink.

"Somethin' the girls put up with," He said, "The money's too good, so they ignore it and keep goin'."

"I guess…" I sighed and drank more.

"You'll figure somethin' out, honey," Sadie said and kissed my temple. "You always do."

"I guess. I'm going to change," I stood up, trying to ignore that stinging in my feet, "I hate these clothes."

I moved out into the living room where Jude, Max and Jojo were sitting now. I kissed Jude on the way to my room; I felt his eyes follow me to the door and my cheek went a little pink. I loved knowing he watched me. The idea I might mean more to him that just sex made me squeal like a teenage school girl. I heard a storm begin to brew up outside, which then lead to a down pour a few minutes later. I changed into a t-shirt and sweat pants; finding something new in the room when I walked in.

She was about my height and age, soaked from head to toe from the rain. Long black strands ran down around her face; her yellowish skin set off the whole Vietnamese vibe with a twinge of American. I found her pretty, once she got out of her wet clothes and into something dry.

"Who's this?" I asked, walking up to the group.

"I-I-I'm Prudence." I figured she was cold. Jude handed her a towel which she wrapped around herself immediately.

He stood at her side with his eyes scanning her up and down with interest. My cheeks weren't pink anymore. Sadie came out of the kitchen, eyeing Prudence curiously before asking where she came from. I didn't really listen to the rest of the conversation. I went back into my room; I shut my door and leaned against it. I can't say I'm surprised. Jude would have eventually moved onto someone else; someone prettier who doesn't bore him.

I flopped down on my bed. The softness of the mattress caused me to groan with satisfaction. You know, that relieved sensation you get after a long day. Yet, my heart stood heavy. I thought now about Jude pushing me aside like a piece of garbage not worthy enough to be in the trash. I knew I meant nothing to him. I was so stupid.

"Hey you."

I didn't turn my head to Max as I heard him come in. I faked sleep, hoping he would go away. A side of the bed sunk down; I curled up more and moved away from him. His hand rested on the middle of my back.

"Don't say you didn't see it coming." He said. I would say I wasn't listening because I refused to hear anything about Jude, but really it was because his hand felt good on me…in a comforting way.

"I don't really wanna talk about it, Max."

"Then you can just listen to me. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you Jude likes you, he's only interested in Prudence because she's new, and he'll come back to you when he's done with her, because I'm not sure if that's true. Jude might like you, since no matter how many other girls he's with he always manages to go back to you, but if he doesn't…" He paused, "He's an idiot."

I turned over and looked at him. "I mean, because you're a good girl; much better than all those other chicks he's done. You're really smart, like not just in school…you're incredibly talented and creative…you're nice when you're sober, and you help people when you can. People like you are hard to find."

I grinned. Yes, I grinned at Max. I noticed even in that darkness of my room, the glow from the light outside shined on his face and made the blue in his eyes more apparent. They were almost identical to Lucy's only without the sweetness. Softness filled his eyes; that warm hand on my back brushed my cheek tenderly. Had this been Jude, we would already be half-naked in a tangle of sheets. However, Max had the appearance of someone much more different. He cared. I could feel it in him. Although he moved from girl to girl as much as Jude did without regard, he held some kind of emotion of his own. I found it a little moving.

"Not to mention," He said, "You're not bad looking."

We both shared a laugh before someone walked in. Sadie stood beside Prudence who had combed out the tangles of her hair and wore one of Sadie's more comfortable robes.

"Penny," She said, "Prudence is gonna be sleeping in here until John moves out, that okay with you?"

"Um," I was still in the daze of being in Max's eyes, "Sure. That's cool."

I slipped away from Max's hand and warmth to move over to Prudence. I would try to forget about Jude look at her. I held out my hand to her.

"I'm Penny." I scanned her, "I have some clothes that might fit you, until we can get you some of your own."

When I turned back, Max was standing and walking towards the door. "Night Penny."

"Night Max."

I caught the disappointment in his eyes.


	9. You Really Got Me

Chapter Title: You Really Got Me Going by The Kinks

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><p>I lied beside Prudence later that night. My entire body felt groggy and drained, but I couldn't find sleep. Instead, I stayed up with Prudence and played the 'Get-to-know-you' game. Prudence went first.<p>

"…My dad's from Ohio and my mom is from the Philippines. We moved to this shitty little town from Dayton when I was," She paused, "Three I think...So I lived there most of my life. At first- when I was little – I felt totally normal there. I didn't feel like an outcast or anything because I had friends and family who cared about me. I had a good life. Then when I got older, I started to feel different. I didn't feel like the other girls did; I wasn't as pretty as any of them. My parents split when I was ten and my mom worked all the time, so I usually stayed home by myself. I felt totally alone all the time…I just wanted somebody to love me…." I detected sadness in her voice that I sympathized with, "I joined the cheerleading team because of this one person I liked. I thought they liked me too because we had kissed once, but then I found out they didn't. They told me it didn't really mean anything…They told me not to tell anyone…"

"Why? Usually guys brag about stuff like th-"I stayed silent for a moment. "It wasn't a guy, was it?"

She looked away from me, "Yeah…That doesn't bother-"

"-No, not at all." Really, it didn't. I would admit finding out the girl you share a room with was a lesbian was something unexpected, but that didn't bother me.

I didn't have to see Prudence's face to know she felt slightly ashamed. "Was she another mistake?"

"Everyone I dated or liked was a mistake…I never found anyone who really liked me back…"

"Yeah," I said, "I know what that feels like."

Silence fell over us both while we listened to the rain pound on the window outside. I didn't really understand love, but I understood the trouble it brought. I could say I wanted nothing with love anymore. I hated the feeling of lying beside Jude at night knowing what we did really meant nothing in his eyes. I was his little toy…a doll he pushed and pulled around. I felt so humiliated; so naïve, and so ignorant. Yet, I gave into him every time. All he needed was a smile, a bit of sweet talk me, and he had me melting like Jell-O.

"So you left and came here?" I asked.

"Yeah. I hitchhiked a ride up here from Ohio, and then met the guy I was living with at a bar. He was a mistake too."

"And when he hit you, you climbed down into the first window you saw?"

She chuckled softly, "Yeah pretty much….what about you? How did you get here?"

I told her everything that had happened in the past three months. She listened intently. Once I was finished, she remained quiet. "Wow that sucks," She said after several minutes. "But I can get that. You didn't want to be alone, just like me."

"Yeah, but even here I'm alone."

"But you have Jude."

"When he's hard."

"You have Max."

"Barely."

"You have me…"

I wavered for a minute. "Yeah, I do have you."

We both smiled at each other.

I never had a roommate before. I always slept in my own room; I was accustomed to living and being alone a lot of the time. I kept my door locked so the outside world stayed out. Yet, having Prudence around was kind of nice. We spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other. I mean, we did sleep in the same bed. You can't sleep beside someone and not know anything about them. She filled the hole Lucy had occupied. I kind of liked it.

I didn't always have Prudence though. In return for paying her piece of rent, she had to give Jude and Max something. If Jude didn't take her to bed, Max did. I found the trade slightly disgusting, but I kept my mouth shut. I still think Prudence enjoyed the attention, since she rarely received any. Truthfully, her being used as their little sex object did not bother me. Jude hardly looked or talked to me the way he did Prudence. I saw Jude and Prudence kissing heavily at another one of Sadie's after parties earlier that night. My heart split in two right there in the room. I felt like a piece of trash he tossed aside; a busted up car he traded in for a new one; a piece of artwork he decided wasn't good enough and scratched out. I watched his hands laid on her the way they did me: One hand on her hip; the other in her hair. Their lips massaged one another, passionately locked and deep. She didn't even stop him; she just let him touch her. I wanted to march over to them and slap him across the face so hard it'd leave a mark for a week.

I didn't. I locked myself in my room and cried. I cried for at least an hour or so. My sobs were drowned out by the loud music playing in the living room. My body trembled from the force of them; my throat burned; I drank the beer I had to soothe the pain. Thank God I didn't have to worry about Prudence sleeping next to me; hearing what was going on. I knew she was with Jude. I could hear them in the next room.

What lifted my spirits was later that night when Prudence came back into the room to sleep. I felt her shift some on the mattress; her body heat slowly coming over me as we lay there in peace. She knew something was wrong. I didn't really want to talk to her, since I'd start thinking about all the times I saw her and Jude together. I did not like being mad at Prudence, since she was so kind to me, but how can I not be? He preferred her over me.

She must have sensed this, and said: "I'm sorry…"

I did not respond at first, but then I said: "For what?"

"For sleeping with Jude…I know how much you like him…I don't do it by choice you know. I only do it because I kind of have to, you know? It's only fair since him and Max are paying for me to live here…I know it bothers you, don't try denying it…"

Again, I said nothing.

"He said your name…"

I looked over my shoulder at her. "What?"

"Last night when we did it, he said your name by accident," I tossed over on my side to face her. "He took it back of course, but I could tell he had been thinking of you the whole time. When we were making out he'd glimpse over at you sometimes." She sounded way too casual about it, like she wasn't upset at all. I pitied her a little. "Don't worry about it…I don't even enjoy it…I mean, not because he isn't good or anything…I just don't-"

"-Like guys," I finished.

"Yeah."

A piece of my heartache faded away. Maybe Jude did have some kind of feeling for me; he merely enjoyed having something different every once in a while. In the end, he always came back. Maybe he did prefer me over the other girls, it's just he likes them too. I felt somewhat special. I grinned. I felt happier than I had the whole weekend.

"You shouldn't care so much," Prudence said next. "How serious are you two anyways?"

"Not as serious as I'd like," I answered.

"Well, he doesn't seem so seri-"

We heard muffled shouting coming from somewhere in the apartment. I couldn't make out the voices too well. They were probably in one of the bedrooms. Prudence and I shared a glance…then climbed out of the bed one after the other. In the living room, people were sitting down in their own spots, while some stood near the door hearing the argument. The shouting came from behind Jude's door. The angry voice was Max's, and the less frustrated was Jude's. I stood beside Sadie.

"What's going on?" I asked her.

"No idea," She answered back. "All we know is Max stormed into Jude's room a little bit ago and hasn't come out since."

"Yeah," Jojo said from a chair next to her, "Somethin' must've set that boy off."

My eyes stayed on the door, imaging the two men inside. I guessed it wasn't Jude's night to have Prudence, even though I thought Max had gotten bored with her. She told me he barely touched her anymore. I moved a little closer to listen better, but only heard bits and pieces of what was going on. You know, for a cheap apartment, the walls were definitely thick. Knowing Max's hot temper, a fight might actually break out if it wasn't stopped.

"Shouldn't somebody do something?" I asked the both of them. "What if they start throwing punches?"

"I don't think that'll happen," Sadie answered. "Not in this apartment that's for sure," She moved away, but Jojo spoke next. "Plus, Jude and Max are best friends."

"Yeah, but even best friends can start swingin' at each other. A man can get pretty violent if he gets pissed off enough," He continued strumming the strings of his guitar. "So whatever's got that boy twisted seems to have him going."

"Penny," Sadie's voice asked as my hand touched the knob, "What are you doing?"

I didn't respond. I opened the door to catch Max in midsentence.

"-It's totally fucked up man! You shouldn't be doi-" He ceased his rant when he noticed me at the door. Both of them stayed quiet and stared my way.

"What's going on in here? People are trying to sleep," I told them both.

"Nothing," Max replied.

"Didn't sound like nothing."

"It doesn't matter," He glared at Jude for a minute and then moved passed me out of the room.

I brought my eyes over to Jude next, seeing the tension all over his slim form. We didn't say anything for several minutes, and then I asked him:

"What happened? Max and you never fight." I shut the door so nobody else could listen in.

"Nuthin'," He answered. "Just sumthin' between me and Max…"

I could see he didn't feel comfortable telling me. I'd be lying if I said my curiosity hadn't brewed. What can I say? Writers are nosey. I then realized this was the first time we had been alone in a while. Normally we were surrounded by people. Awkwardness kicked in and I was at a loss for words. It could be perhaps because he had been sleeping with my roommate this entire week. I stared around, but then his voice caught my attention.

"Penny," I loved how he said my name, "I just wanted to say…I just wanted to say I feel guilty for the way I've been to you…You know, bein' with Prudence. I thought you wouldn't really care-"

"-I don't-"

"-Yeah you do," He said. "I see ya glancin' at me when I'm with her; the look in your eyes. I feel really bad about it-"

"-Well you should," I said a tad harshly. "You can't just move from girl to girl and expect everything to be okay. It really sucked watching you put your hands all over her. It seriously hurt Jude. It isn't fair. I really thought-"

"-I know," He cut in. "I want to apologize for it. You're a really special girl, and I shouldn't have done that to you. Prudence is great and everythin'," He took my hand in his and brought me closer, "But you know, you're not like the other ones."

"How?" Because I really didn't know.

"Well for one," Our bodies were now inches away from each other, "You actually have a mind of your own. I can have conversations with you that I can't have with the others. You're independent and strong…tough. You don't come beggin' for my attention, but make me come beg for yours," As it should be, "You got me thinkin' about you all the time…It's a little crazy, but it's the truth…"

The inches between us closed. I closed my eyes and felt a pair of lips caress on mine. A hand cupped my cheek to keep me in place while another hand pressed on my back. My entire body tingled with each gentle touch. My knees were a little weak, but he held me up. He might not have any real feelings for me, but he did like me. That was a proper start, wasn't it?

"Stay 'ere with me tonight," He whispered to me when our lips broke apart.

He undressed me and himself, and then pulled me into his bed. There was no passionate kissing, wandering hands, pants, moans or gasps. All that stood was Jude's arms wrapped around me…His lips occasionally pecking my neck or shoulder, but otherwise completely innocent. I felt sleep fall over me immediately.


	10. Dear Prudence

Chapter Title: Dear Prudence by The Beatles

* * *

><p>In this society, there are two clear definitions for the phrase "letting go".<p>

1. Letting go of someone you once loved/moving on with your life

2. Getting fired.

Here, the ladder would apply in my situation. Yes, I went to work on a hot, sunny afternoon with the anticipation of bratty kids and fussy old ladies, but, instead I found a pink slip in my boss's hand…with my name on it. I wasn't surprised.

"We have to start downsizing, and I think a kid with a brain like yours should be workin' in some fancy office place or somethin'," I specifically remember him telling me as I stared down at my name. I wasn't sure what exactly to say, so I said:

"So, you're downsizing…on a diner?" It seemed a little ridiculous to me. The place wasn't even that popular; just some little place on the corner.

"Hey, it's not me, its management."

"You _are_ management."

"Just go, Penny."

So I did. I walked all the way back to the apartment through crowds of businessmen and women on their way to their normal, respectable jobs; the street hippies shoving clipboards and petitions in your face, and the occasional homeless guy on the corner holding out a cup for change (I put in a dollar and some change— what? I'm charitable). There was that one nagging question that I couldn't get out of my head: why did everyone believe I was so smart? I didn't think I was. On the contrary, I might be the dumbest person to exist. Look at the facts: I left the comfort of my home to a big bad city while slightly drunk, been sleeping with a guy I'll probably never be too serious with, took up a job I didn't like, and gave up any chance at a proper life. Yeah. Don't think I'm smart now, do you?

Sadie told me maybe being let go would be good for me. I hated the job anyways, so there was no reason to complain. I wasn't completely broke right then, so I had some time to go look for another one if I wanted. I knew a million opportunity windows opened the minute I was fired: Office jobs, newspaper/magazine jobs, cashier positions; everything. They said the war held in Vietnam grew worse all the time. Jobs were running thin and my chances of finding a new one became slimmer. So, for the time being, I was stuck in front of my desk.

My notebook became more like a diary. I wrote out streams of thoughts about anything and everything. The pages held no structure or proper organization, they were just there; all of my thoughts penned out in black letters. Occasionally the words were print, other times a delicate cursive. My hand cramped from time to time, but that was normal.

Later that afternoon I heard the door open behind me. By the light scent of peach and mango perfume, I knew it wasn't Prudence. Sadie's comforting hand fell on my shoulder along with this aura of warmth she held whenever she became close within my presence. She always had that effect on me. I wondered for a moment if I was the only one who felt this way.

"How ya doin', hun?" She asked.

"Alright," I put the pen down and stretched out my hand, "just have a lot on my mind."

"When don't you?"

She sat down beside me on the bed, her long hair trailing down her back and a silk robe hanging onto her figure. She offered me a cigarette from her pack, which I took without hesitation and lit up.

"Have you ever been fired from a job you didn't like?" I asked her.

"Tons of times." She answered, "Diners mainly, since that's almost every girl's job once she's on her own, but I did some retail too for a bit. Eventually I gave up on nine to five jobs and focused on my signing career."

"Do you regret it? I mean, you're not doing gigs every night."

She scoffed, "Not one bit. I'm doin' somethin' I love and that's all that matters. It doesn't pay big bucks sometimes, but I'd rather be doin' this than somethin' that makes me miserable."

I nodded in comprehension as I exhaled smoke. Then I said, "I don't know if I even want to go back to doing a regular job. Everywhere I go people tell me I'm too smart to be working there or that I should be doing something else."

"Because you are smart, honey." She said. She puffed out some of her own cigarette, "If you ask me, I think you should do what I did. You got serious talent and you should use that, no matter where."

"Writing is more of a commission job really," I said. "You get paid for what you put out. What if I don't put anything out? What if they tell me I'm not good enough or I have no real talent at all?"

"Then they must be blind. You gotta stop puttin' yourself down, Penny. You're great at everything you do, no matter what it is."

"Well, I better find it soon."

My eyes scanned around my desk when I noticed a folded card. I unfolded the card to see the black letters set on a neon green background. I hadn't thrown out the business card Brian, the man who had came up to me during one of Sadie's gigs, had handed to me. The stripper outlined in black was curvy with long lines as she posed on the pole there. The information (number, address, etc.) was underneath the heading. I turned the card over in my hands, examining the crease in the middle and on the corners.

"I thought you threw that out," Sadie said.

"So did I… I must have just tossed it aside, I guess." I replied, still looking at the card.

"You're not seriously thinkin' about it, are you?" She asked. "I mean, I never figured you for the dancin'-around-poles type."

I laughed a little. "No, I'm not. Last thing I'd ever consider is shaking my ass for old perverts with money—"

"—Old perverts with money? What you two talkin' 'bout?"

Jojo stood in the doorway, curiosity playing over his face. He looked between Sadie and I before leaning against the frame.

"Penny might take that stripping job that guy offered her a few weeks ago," Sadie responded.

"I never said I was." I turned my head to Jojo, "I never said I would. There's plenty places in New York that could be hiring right now, and I'm gonna go for one of them first before I decide on doing something degrading like that." I tossed the card on my desk and tucked hair out of my face.

"Check your options before going straight to the bottom…" Jojo said quietly.

I nodded. I stayed silent for a moment before Sadie stood, "It's whatever you decide to do."

She kissed the top of my head before walking out the door. I exchanged a glance with Jojo before asking, "Would you do it? I mean, if you were me?"

He stayed silent for a moment then said, "I'd do whatever I think would help me out the most. You ain't exactly broke right now, so you can hold out for a few more weeks, but when that flow starts to sink and you don't have a job yet, it's good to have somethin' else in mind."

"Like a back-up plan?"

"Somethin' like that. Like Sadie said, it's whatever you wanna do, sugar."

Jojo walked out of the room after Sadie, leaving me by myself. I circled back to my desk in my original position. I picked up my pen again, but wrote nothing. I couldn't stop thinking about the card sitting a few inches from me. I thought about calling the number, asking for Brian and taking the job. Come on, people called stripping easy money, since taking off your clothes took no effort. Yet, the thought of being grabbed at, looked at and have money tossed at me for showing my breasts turned me off. Jojo was right, I didn't have to jump to the club right away, yet having a back-up plan didn't hurt. I began making small doodles on the margins as I thought.

"Hey."

I heard another voice at my door hours later. Night had already fallen outside and I hadn't left my room for anything more than food and the bathroom. I lied flat on my back on my bed, wanting to be left well alone. A fresh cigarette sat in between my fingers, being idly puffed from time to time. This scene reminded me of home; holed up in my room with no interruptions. The silence of my room seemed comforting to me; I was almost one with it. I was not sure what exactly had me in this mood: Getting fired from my job or having to look for a new one. Did people normally behave this way when they lost their jobs? Or was it just me?

The gentle touch of Jude's hands did not bring a smile to my face or soothe me in any way. Any other day they would, but right then, I wished him to go away.

"Hey," I said with no emotion, looking out the window into the street.

"You haven't eaten."

"I'm not hungry…"

He rested his head on my shoulder, then wrapping his arms around me. I sort of fell into his arms, realizing then how tired I was. He helped me up some, and we walked to the kitchen together.

I could feel him glancing at me every so often. Those bright blue orbs scanning me over with concern before shifting back over to Olivia. I didn't feel uncomfortable in the slightest. I was actually kind of glad Max was worried for me. What concerned him so much? I didn't fully understand. Max never really cared much for me before now. He never let anything bother him. He was a spirit that remained untouched by problems or worries because he always found a way out. It's one of his better traits, I would say.

I finished dinner and threw down the rest with the last of my wine. The sweet drink seemed to unwind me, help me forget what was going on around me for a while. I enjoyed having that feeling of numbness run through my body. I wanted just those few hours until I passed out on my bed like the old days. I returned to the shelter of my bedroom with my own bottle of wine. I know wine wasn't the strongest drink someone could get, but I needed something. It was like a drug to me; a sedative to knock me out. Sadie didn't even say a word when she saw the large bottle in my hand. I suppose she understood. She always understood.

"You know," Another voice said at my door hours later, "Drinking doesn't always help."

By this time, I was slightly blurry-eyed and sleepy. The black bottle sat on my desk empty and alone like me, and almost blending in with the black sky out the window. Most people drunk off of wine are loopy or giddy…I wasn't. I normally just lay about until I blacked out.

Prudence closed the door behind her and leaned against it. The scene seemed so familiar, but only with a certain blue-eyed individual. I turned on my back to look at her properly. She looked fascinating standing in the dim shadows of the room. Her small curves were perfectly shaped against the white door, and her long hair curtained around her face.

"Look who's talking," I replied.

"I drink socially, and because I want to," She said. "You drink whenever you have a problem you don't wanna talk about."

"Thanks, Doctor. I'll keep that in mind next time I drink."

She moved closer to the bed, yet did not sit or lie beside me right away. Those chocolate-colored hues stared at me concernedly. She looked to the dark bottle at my desk, smirking slightly.

"You really can drink can you?' She asked me.

"When I'm in the mood," I said, shutting my eyes. "Why did I come here, Prudence? I don't understand. I thought I was coming here to escape the loneliness I felt back home. I thought moving away might take it away…take away any pain I felt…you know, run away from what was bothering me because it was so much easier that way. Then I get here and I'm still lonely. Yeah, I'm surrounded by people, but I feel more alone than ever. I feel like I've been living behind this wall, separating me from the real world. A wall I could jump over if I wanted to…but I've never wanted to…I just want this loneliness to stop. I want it to go away…Just go away…"

I was not entirely sure what made me burst into a random thought like that, but I did. Prudence now moved to lay on the bed beside me, holding my hand in hers. The nice thing about Prudence was the aura she had. Like Sadie, it was just this gentle warmth spreading onto you and comforting you even in your saddest moments. I think she didn't know about the way she made me feel sometimes.

Despite being used by so many people, Prudence managed this kindness about her. I liked it a lot. She brushed hair from the side of my face as I turned on my side to face her. Her eyes twinkled some in the light of the room, and her hair seemed to fan out like a curtain. I thought she wondered whether I was crying or not, but then I noticed her leaning in forward. Her body heat came over me like waves on a shore; I wasn't entirely sure what to do.

"I'm here for you." Then she kissed me; a soft chaste kiss that tasted sweet. I stayed stiff while she kissed me and staring a bit wide-eyed when she pulled away. I didn't know how to react to this. Should I be mad? Should I be disgusted? Should I slap her and run away and never sleep next to her again? I know any other girl would tell me the same thing. However, this was Prudence we were talking about. She was kind of sensitive; my best friend (besides Sadie). I couldn't hurt her feelings so easily.

"I'm…I'm sorry, Penny…" She lied down on her back, looking away from me. "I…I don't know what I was thinking…I'm sorry…"

I remained speechless. I didn't feel offended in any way like I thought I might be. I stared at her.

"I…Do you…" She avoided my eyes. "I'll sleep somewh—"

I could see the embarrassment in her face; the shame. My heart went out to her as I laid there looking at her. I wanted her to know she shouldn't be afraid to show affection. We were both lonely; regardless of whom we slept with. I did something unexpected. I pulled her in close and pecked her lips. "Its fine Pru," I cut in. "I'm not mad at you or anything."

She grinned at me. She kissed me again; this time I responded. My lips played along with hers and my hand cupped her jaw tenderly. The kiss remained innocent; no lustful moans or grasping hands: just me and Prudence in our bed kissing. I had never kissed a girl before (how often does that really happen to people like me?), but I kind of liked it. I mean, I'm not "changing teams". I enjoyed how she felt: the way her skin was so warm, how her lips were sweet like strawberries and how it all felt so natural.

We parted our lips again and kind of just stared at each other. Then the door opened. We jumped away from each other to look over at the intrusion. Max leaned against the doorframe, leering. My cheeks grew slightly hot when I saw the look. I knew he had seen.

"What do you want, Max?" I asked.

"You have a phone call," He said, "it's Lucy."


	11. Octopus' Garden

Chapter Title: Supermassive Black Hole by Muse

* * *

><p>Two weeks went by and I didn't have a job. I tried other diners, offices, magazines, etc.<p>

Everybody seemed to be downsizing themselves, outsourcing to somewhere else, or simply not hiring at the time. I began planning on what to do once my money ran out, because I found it lowering by the day. No, there was no panic or crying; just a shitload of worrying. I knew I'd run out of money eventually. Of course, I wasn't the only one going through all these hard times. I saw people going out into the streets and joining all these hippie groups just so they had people to depend on for money and support…even though that made no sense, since hippies were just a broke.

The days I wasn't out job hunting, I was in my room at my desk. I wrote whatever came to mind, which was very little these days. The dread bottled up inside me made writing nearly impossible because my thoughts would just float back to them. My notebook ran dry to the point where I merely doodled on the pages for something to do. People came checking up on me every so often, but I didn't really want to see anyone. I wished for the loneliness for a little while, which is ironic because that was the very thing I tried to escape.

If that wasn't enough, I couldn't stop thinking of when I kissed time we exchanged glances, I remembered. I could still feel her lips on mine and how they caressed me so easily; the warmth of her skin pressing into mine as the gasps and moans we shared sounded through our room. I've never felt that with anyone besides her. I thought maybe something special would happen between us; I was wrong. Prudence didn't want to talk about what happened; she felt ashamed by it. She made it seem like kissing me was indecent or disgusting. I told her it was okay, but she didn't say anything the last time we talked about it. She even moved out of the room when a tenant next door moved out. I admit… it hurt. I found someone who understood my sadness, who sympathized with me, and she just… left.

I felt more alone than I ever had before.

I felt used…

Abandoned…

_Empty_.

I drank heavily. I drank whatever I could get my hands on: beer, wine, vodka, scotch, and brandy; anything to ease my pain. I needed to be numb. I didn't care if drinking your problems away was wrong. When I gulped, I became more and more numb. Nothing could hurt me when I was drunk. Not my parents. Not Jude. Not Prudence. Nobody could touch me. I'd curl into my bed sometimes and sob into my pillows. My entire body resembled an earthquake in the way it shook the bed. I tried stifling my cries so nobody came in to check up on me. I just felt so alone…all the time…even in a crowd of people. It was pure agony.

Things changed a few nights later. I tossed back the last bit of wine into my mouth before setting the glass back on the counter. Wine had become my primary poison. One, because that was usually the only thing in the house besides beer, two, I wasn't a big fan of beer. The notebook in front of me sat empty with blinding white pages, mocking me with its lifeless existence. But, you know what? I could care less. I only wanted another drink.

The bottle next to me had run dry already, and I began wondering whether there was another one in the kitchen when I noticed it. The business card sat on my desk amongst the various dried up pens and papers, bright green against their white and black. I recalled the day I lost my job. The idea of my back up plan caused my stomach to churn. I never thought I'd need that last resort because I had been so sure I'd find a decent job, at least something _slightly _less degrading.

Could I ever do something like that? Could I muster the courage to strip off my clothes in front of grabby strangers? I only undressed for Jude because I felt comfortable with him. How would I do in front of a bunch of strange men (or women…)? Would they even find me attractive? Perhaps; most men liked anything naked. Yet, I needed a job. If I didn't get a job soon, life would be rough.

I snatched up the card and tried to balance myself as I stood up. I stumbled some towards the door, dizzy and slightly blurry eyed. It was late night, so everyone was asleep. The darkness made moving around harder, but I managed to find the wall near the kitchen. I attempted to walk quietly, but with very little success. I'll pick up the side-table tomorrow morning. The phone hung on the wall in the kitchen, which nearly slipped out of my hand when I picked it up. I squinted my eyes to read the small numbers in the bit of light I had, and then punched them in.

I slumped against the wall as the dial rang. After the third ring, someone picked up.

"Toxic Gentleman's Club," I swear to God Betty Boop just answered the phone.

"Um hi…" I slurred some. "Is…is…" I tried to recall the guy's name, but it took me a moment, "is Brian in that place there?"

"One second." I waited a few minutes before another person answered.

"Brian here," I recognized his deep voice right away.

"Hey," I responded. I sunk further down the wall, like a plane crash landing. "Hey Brian…this is that girl you met at that café a long time ago…Penny…"

"I'm sorry, who is this?" I could hear lots of music and voices in the background. I assumed he was somewhere in the club.

"Penny…this is Penny…you said I looked like that one famous….famous person," I burped, but didn't excuse myself.

"Oh yeah," He said comprehensively. "How are ya, sweetie?"

"I'm…I'm okay. I ran out of the drink, but I've been better…"

"Sounds like you've been havin' a rough time. Any particular reason you called or did you just miss the sound of my voice?"

"I'm looking for a job," I got to the point. "You have any…any spots there I could fill?"

"Lemme see," He paused and I felt heavy. I felt like I might pass out any moment. Please answer you fucking pig…"Yeah we have a spot available for you. You're gonna have to audition for it though and show us whatcha got…When are ya free?"

"Um…um tomorrow?" I said,

"Tomorrow's good. Come in around four and we'll talk…Kay?"

"Yeah…Yeah that sounds nice…Thanks, Brian," I said.

I heard him reply and then hang up, leaving only the dead sound of the tone in my ear. I felt like a sinking ship whirling out of control; my arms and legs seemed to give up and I couldn't stand.

I'll sleep here…

I woke up the next morning in my bed. Dressed in last night's clothes, my back slightly sore, and my head pounding like someone had smashed my head with a rock, I rolled onto my back. The sun greeted me by shining brightly in my face, which made me turn back around. I might have vomited at any moment if I didn't lie flat on my back. That was a weird thing about drinking: You enjoy it, but then regret picking up the first drink in the morning.

The events of last night were foggy, but I pretty much put the pieces together: I called Brian and asked to be a stripper. Did any doubt or shame go through my mind? Not really. I decided there on my bed I would not stay a stripper for a long time; just until I got back on my feet properly. I mean, I've heard how much money they all make in one night…Why can't I do the same thing?

I'm not hurting anyone, right? Yeah, I might feel a bit of infamy for taking off my clothes in public, but at least I'll have a job and some money. Sure I'll have to 'audition' for it first, yet I didn't see a big deal there.

I rolled out of my bed and sat up. I clutched my head as I became a bit dizzy for a second. I felt like a jigsaw puzzle scattered all over the floor. My eyes were tired; I might vomit any moment from what my stomach told me. I looked around my room in vain for an Advil or something, of course I found nothing. A knock sounded at my door.

"Come in," I groaned.

"Afternoon…"

Sadie walked in holding a glass of water and pills. I knew it must be past two o'clock if she was already awake. "Afternoon," I replied, and then took the pills. "How did I end up back in here?" I asked her.

"We all woke up and saw you passed out near the kitchen," She explained, "Jojo picked you up and brought you in here to sleep it off."

"Gotta thank him later then," I said, running a hand through my hair before flinging on my back on the bed.

Sadie moved to my closet and began rummaging through clothes in there. "Who did you call last night? We saw the phone off the hook."

She knew already who I had called. I turned my head to her and said: "You already know who."

"Do you always make life changing decisions when you're drunk as hell?" Sadie asked, putting a glittery, green strapless dress down on the bed.

"Only once," I answered, shutting my eyes slowly. "Well, this makes two…but I don't do it as often as it seems."

She chuckled a little bit. She considered this one top, and then decided against it. "Remind me to lock up all the liquor from now on. When's your audition?"

"At four…four something," I said.

"Well, get a move on then. It's already close to three and you can't be late." She placed a red wrap top on the bed with a pair of leather pants on the bed next to the dress, "I suggest you wear those silver heels I got you; They'll look good on you."

She walked out of the room. I swear, sometimes she acted like my mother…then again, it's not like I had a real one. I stood up from the bed, and then began the usual routine.

After washing and drying my hair, zipping up the glittery green dress, applying some make-up I had, and basically looking as scandalous as I could, I walked out into the apartment. Everyone looked at me when I walked into the room; some expressions were shocked, others smirked or grinned at me with raised eyebrows. I tried pretending like nothing was out of the ordinary, but I felt completely naked in front of them all. The green dress played as a second skin; uncomfortable and tight on me. The shoes already began to pain the bottoms of my feet, while the strands of hair in my face irritated me. However, I acted cool. Then I heard someone speak from the kitchen.

"Where you goin' dressed like that?" Jojo's voice sounded a bit firm.

"I have a job interview," I looked around for a bowl, but Sadie pushed one towards me with milk and cereal inside.

"Hm, is this the job you called at three o'clock in the mornin'?"

"I…I think so…Was it three?"

"Yeah. I remember because I was the one who found you first. You gotta stop drinkin' like that, ya know. It's gon' get you into trouble someday."

"I know what I'm doing," I told him, getting a spoon from the drawer. "I've been doing it for a long time."

"I'm just lookin' out for ya, baby," He walked passed me with a kiss to my head, "You know that."

"Yeah, I do."

Sadie told me to sit down and eat before the cab she called arrived, which I did. I noticed

Prudence sitting on the counter nearby, but I pretended not to notice. She ignored me after what happened a few nights ago. She hadn't spoken or even glanced my way. I tried not to think about how beautiful she looked today; how the afternoon sun caught in those silky dark strands, her skin glowing in the dimness the curtain of her hair made, while those dark eyes twinkled with sweetness in them. I never thought I'd ever find a girl so attractive. She wasn't like Lucy with that envious kind of beauty, but with this subtle, attention-grabbing kind. I could look at her forever.

"You're taking that stripping job offer?" Prudence's voice sounded a bit sullen.

"I guess. I didn't really think it through, did I?" I tried not to sound spiteful. I didn't want to admit her avoidance hurt me. "I don't even think I'll get the job. I can't do all that pole dancing stuff."

"Learn on the job?"

I shrugged. I finished up my cereal quickly enough, but before I could leave Prudence piped up again. "Want me to come with you? You know, keep you company?"

"No thanks, I'm good."

I left the apartment before she could say much else. Hey, she did the same to me. I walked down the flights of stairs and out into the open. Thankfully, this taxi cab hadn't shown up yet, so I had nothing to worry about…you know, except all the people walking by and staring at me. Women glared at me, most probably thinking how anyone could go out in public dressed the way I was and men either subtly or point-blank stared in my direction. One man even asked if I was working and offered me money to go to this motel place with him. Of course, after I told him 'no', he left.

Was this how things were going to be once I took this job? I inhaled drags from my cigarette for something to occupy me. Finally, the taxi arrived and I wasn't surprised who was driving. Max's eyes gazed up at me from head to toe as I climbed into the backseat of the cab; he seemed to drink me in before speaking.

"Where are you going looking so seriously hot?" He asked, giving a small smirk before pulling back into the road.

"I have an interview," I said.

He tried concentrating on the road, but his eyes shifted up to me through rearview mirror. I could tell you I felt slightly uncomfortable with him (Max being Lucy's brother and someone I grew up with), but I wasn't. Honestly, I felt kind of pretty. I felt the kind of feeling you get when someone is looking at you with that interest in his eyes; the kind of interest that could mean something. I tried to hide my blushing cheeks.

"You know," He began, "I know you need a job and everything, but I don't think seducing the guy will make you look professional…Just saying," He added at the end.

"It's for that job at Toxic, so I don't think he'll really care what I wear. He'll just ask me to take it off anyways."

Max remained silent for a moment, and then said: "You think you can do something like that? Just take your clothes off for a bunch of strangers? I mean, it doesn't really sound like something you'd do."

"There are a lot of things I do that don't sound like me." We passed by Café Huh? and I knew we were getting close.

"I'm just saying, you're much better than that; you have potential."

I looked up into the mirror and saw that knowing look. I returned the expression with a small smile. Was he using my own words on me? I laughed some, "Oh do I, says the cab driver."

"Hey, I kind of like being a cab driver."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. I get to meet new people every day, I get a decent pay out of it plus tips, and see all kinds of places; much better than stripping my clothes off for money," He winked.

"Since you do it for free for those random chicks you meet," I bantered back.

"I could go into the stripping business if I wanted to. I'd make a ton more than you would, you know, since I'm so sexy to those random chicks."

We both laughed together. The butterflies flying in my stomach faded away the longer I talked to Max. He had that effect on me, kind of like Sadie, only this one was different. He didn't have to lay a single hand on me to make me forget my nerves. All I needed was his company. Was that weird? It's weird, right? No, it's not weird… is it?

He parked right outside of Toxic. The building didn't look too shabby astonishingly: the dark purple walls weren't chipped or faded out, the sign out front looked brand-new, and there was a clean rug underneath the crisp black awning with those velvet ropes. Posters of signature dancers centered the promotion posters lining the wall; they actually weren't naked. They resembled 1940's pin-up models rather than Playboy bunnies. I was sure once you went inside they'd be stark naked, and soon I'd be too. Tension built up inside me the longer I stared.

"You can always change your mind," Max said, "And just wait until something else comes up."

"No," I said. "I have to go in there...for the interview, so they don't think I chickened out.

I mean, it can't be too bad right? Maybe I'll just be a waitress or something. I'm not like those girls there, so I might just get stuck wearing slutty clothes or lingerie." I appeared to be convincing myself rather than Max. "They might not even give me the job. I can't do those sexy pole dances or anything."

"Well, if you change your mind you can always call me, and I'll swing by…" He sounded, for a minute, like a kid asking a girl to a homecoming dance, "You know, so you're not stranded out here."

"Thanks Max." I paid him his fare, and then got out of the cab.


	12. Cherry Bomb

Chapter title: Cherry Bomb by The Runaways

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><p>Toxic was just as nice inside than outside: Nearly everything was black (walls, tables, chairs, bar, stools, etc.) while the decorations were neon green (curtains, lights, backroom sofas, etc.). However, right now employees scampered around setting up for that night, so the normal florescent lights shined around the room and the effect of the place was not as amplified had the place been open. I stared around the place in search for Brian, but I could not see him anywhere amongst the booths in the higher VIP sections or in the chairs by the stage. Someone, though, did come up to me.<p>

She stood a bit taller than me (most likely due to her white and clear heels), with short black curls bouncing around her made-up face. Her full lips were bright red and stood out in her pale face; the clingy black dress she wore started with a sweetheart neckline and ended very short; revealing a matching garter belt with a heart-shaped buckle. The woman greeted me with a friendly smile.

"Hi there," she greeted. Hello Betty Boop. "You must be Penny."

"Um, yeah I am," I said, still taking in the woman's cartoon-like appearance. The look actually worked for her, being so petit and slender.

"Wow," She walked a circle around me, examining quickly, "You are a cute one. You'll fit right in."

"Thanks?"

"I'm Betty," Wow. Well, I guess her look was on purpose. She held out a small hand to shake.

"Nice to meet you," I shook her hand.

"Brian's this way."

I followed her through a door near the bar into Brian's office. The bald man sat at his cluttered desk in front of a stack of money, papers and a calculator. He reminded me of one of those old mafia bosses counting out his profits with the cigar hanging out from his mouth with that general air of shadiness. The room smelled like a big cigar; posters of naked models hung around the walls and mismatched furniture decorated the room. My hands felt a bit sweaty and my knees shook, but I kept my cool. It didn't seem like I'd be doing any stripping; we were inside and not near the stage. If we were having an audition, wouldn't I have to be on stage?

Brian raised his head at the sound of the door closing, and he grinned. "Penny," He said, taking the cigar out of his mouth to tip it in an ashtray, "Glad to see ya made it. Please, sit."

I sat on the chair he motioned to in front of his desk. I can already feel his eyes scanning over me; I found it extremely uncomfortable. I mentally shook the feeling off and looked at him.

"So, what made you change your mind? Get tired of waitressin'?" He asked, leaning back in his chair.

"More like they got tired of me."

"Hm," He said, "Shame. They must be getting less customers now that your pretty face isn't walking around anymore."

"Uh huh."

We both went over basic information. He asked me how old I was, where was I from, where did I live, and a bunch of other general information that Betty wrote down. I knew eventually he would ask to "see me", but I hoped we'd wait till the end. Sadly, Brian moved there.

"So, what position did you plan on taking exactly? Personally I think you should go on stage. Just as a clothed dancer, then move up when you're ready."

"A what dancer?"

"A clothed dancer," Betty said. "You just dance around on the smaller stages in lingerie and stuff."

"You'd be a great regular dancer because you got this whole virgin thing going for you…" He considered me for a moment, "Are you a virgin?"

"No."

Betty smirked, "Could've fooled me,"

"Perfect; that could be your gimmick here, then when you change to the bigger stage and start stripping down, my customers would be more than happy to see a naked virgin." He contemplated.

"But…But I'm not a virgin," I said.

Brian scoffed, "They don't know that. Every girl in here has a stage name and a gimmick. So, clothed dancer then?"

I paused. I wasn't completely sure if I even wanted to do this. I'd only be here for a little bit, but something held me back. I imagined my mother telling me how disappointed she was in me; my dad would say I was better than that. I wondered what people would think about me. I normally didn't care, yet for some reason I did now.

"Yeah," I answered.

Betty beamed. "Great! A new girl! Do you know any tricks?" She seemed sincerely excited.

"Not really," I should have mentioned that earlier, huh?

"That's okay. I'll teach everything you need to know for tonight."

"Tonight?"

"Yeah," Brian said, "We need you out there right away. The customers are getting bored of the same old girls….we need fresh meat for them to gawk at…and that's you. Now," He leaned forward in his seat, "We just need a name for you; something clever, but not too cliché."

I merely sat there as Betty and Brian scrutinized me. I was only glad I had the choice of taking off my clothes or not. Looking back, that did seem like a tall order for someone entirely new to the stripping business.

"I got it!" Betty exclaimed. "Cherry."

"Cherry?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, like getting your cherry popped? So, since yours hasn't been popped yet, you can be like a full cherry or something…"

Brian stayed quiet for a moment. Then he said, "that could work…Cherry…Yeah…'Who wants to pop this cherry?'…No, no…"The unpopped Cherry"…No, not that…" He seemed to be talking more to himself than the both of us. "'Sweet Cherry'? Eh…I'll think on it. Well, Cherry," he looked to me, "welcome to Toxic."

"Thanks." I shook his hand, and then Betty led me back out.

We both went up on the stage and I felt it there. Nobody was around except the other employees, but I still felt my knees shaking. The stage floor was already lit to a neon green, while back lights for the VIP rooms turned on. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirrors behind the stage. The dress really fell short on me; my legs looked longer in the heels I wore, while my hair seemed to curl perfectly today. I…I looked good; the kind of eye-catching, attention-grabbing good. I liked it a little.

"I guess 'Betty' is just your stage name?" I asked her.

She idly hung from the pole and swung around a bit. "Yep. Brian said I reminded him of Betty Boop, so when I got hired I cut my hair and started wearing these cute dresses all the time."

"Makes sense." I nodded in agreement, "What's your real name?"

"Maureen," she replied.

"And you're how old?"

"Nineteen,"

"And you like it here?" I asked.

"Yeah, especially the parties," she smiled.

"Parties?"

"Sometimes guys throw parties or whatever and they ask Brian to bring some dancers over, which is where we come in. We get a bonus for going, then the guys tip us big for dancing and stuff for them. Some of them are creeps, but it's totally worth it in the end," She stopped swinging around, and stood straight.

I nodded. This job might end up being enjoyable. Being invited to parties where I make more money sounded fine by me. "Anything specific I need know?"

"Well, if you wanna get tips, be all flirty and nice to them when you give them lap dances or they're watching. They like attention, so give it to them…They're all gonna want you, being a virgin and stuff….but let's get working now, come on."

x.x.x.x.x.x

Sadie told me they wouldn'tbe able to come see me because she had a gig the same night. I didn't take the news too hard. If anything, I was kind of glad. I believe my friends watching me dance around poles half naked would be extremely awkward for everyone. She told me they were going to grab some dinner afterwards at a diner near the building, so if I got out early enough I can stop by there (it's pretty close to Toxic).

I would be lying if I said I didn't have any pre-show jitters. I walked into the back dressing room to get ready when I saw a group of girls there as well. A lot of them looked my age, but one or two of them were older than me. They either stood in front of the light bulb lit mirrors or behind the curtains stripping down from normal clothes into their outfits. I moved to one of the dressing areas and began undressing.

"Hey you," Betty came up beside me. This time she was wearing a sailor type outfit: White and navy striped strapless bra, with a pair of navy blue short shorts and heels; the signature sailor's hat sat atop her luscious curls.

"Hey Betty," I said.

"So, you excited for tonight?" She grinned.

"I guess," I said, trying to conceal the nerves in my voice. "I mean… there's a lot of people out there…what if they don't like me?"

"Oh, guys like anything that's naked," She said reassuringly, "They'll love you. You are supposed to be a virgin, and guys love that…So, whatcha wearing?"

"I…I…" I looked at the racks of clothes. Tons of outfits sat on the rack: Some wouldn't show a lot, others would show a little more, and a bunch of them would show practically everything. I wasn't going to pick any of those.

"How about this one?" She asked me.

The outfit she pulled out was a white and pink corset with mesh fabric in between the wires; a matching thong came with it and thigh high stockings. This outfit defined sexy…it defined virgin…it defined Cherry. I examined the outfit closely as I took the hanger from her.

"I'm not sure," I said.

"Oh come on, honey. That'll look great on that tiny figure of yours." A voice said behind me.

"It'd show off those curves," Said another.

I looked over my shoulder to see two other dancers nearby at their vanity stations. The one closest to me sat with a blush brush in her hand, dabbing some on her chocolate colored skin. She wore black lingerie (really just a black strip around her breasts and a pair of panties with boots), and her red hair fell in layers of curls behind her back. The Asian girl beside her had the usual petit form; jet black hair tied up with chopsticks and a floral patterned dress wrapped around her with heels. The buttons on the side would make it easy to pop it off.

"But—"

"—You're that new girl, right?" The dark woman stood up and walked over to me, looking at the outfit herself.

"Um, yeah—"

"—This your first time strippin'?"

"Yeah."

"Well, don't worry. There's nothing to be worried about; you ain't gonna be takin' anythin' off, so you might as well put this on. They'll love you," She smiled giving it back to me.

"I guess…"

"I'm Ivy," She put out her hand and I shook. "And that's Yoko," She pointed to the Asian girl who waved.

"Hi, I'm Cherry." Wow, it was seriously weird introducing myself with a different name.

'Well, it's nice to have a fresh face around here," Nancy said. "Welcome to Toxic."

"Thanks."

The club was packed with customers, all drinking and smoking as they watched half-nude Betty swinging around a pole. They threw cash at her or stuck it in her strings of her panties; they cat-called and wolf whistled at her as she smiled and danced. I knew I wouldn't be on the bigger stage where she stood, but I still found it nerve-wracking. I worried they might not like me. I didn't have a body like Betty's or Ivy's or even Yoko's. I wasn't as pretty as them. What if they found out somehow I was lying about being a virgin? I might lose my job on the first day.

In the outfit Betty had picked out, I felt naked already. Ivy said I'd get used to it, but right now I just wanted to put a robe on or something. My arm crossed I turned my attention to the smaller stages around the room where other clothed dancers were there. I noticed already one girl was stepping down from the stage. A voice came over the speakers.

"And now, the lovely ladies of Toxic have a special surprise for all you lucky boys out there. She's cute, she's sweet, and she's what you've always wanted…May we present, Cherry!"

A hand from behind me pushed me passed the curtained threshold. I walked out into the cheering crowd, trying my best not to seem completely petrified. My heels clicked on the neon floor; I could see my reflection in the gleam of the pole. I couldn't see the faces of the men around the stage since the spotlight was on me. I felt like turning back around, but I couldn't. My hand grasped the cold metal, and I began.

"Now, who wouldn't want to pop this Cherry?"


	13. I Won't Say I'm in Love

Chapter Title: ' I Wont' Say I'm in Love' by Susan Egan (as Meg from Hercules)

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><p>'<em>Wow…Three hundred in one night…'<em>

I thought this to myself as I walked towards the diner. The place wasn't too far from Toxic– perhaps thirty to forty minute walk. It made walking alone make me feel better. It wasn't too late, so I knew the whole gang would be there having dinner. I had changed back into my clothes; once again looking like a damn prostitute. People stared at me less due to the real hookers on the street. I only hoped nobody stopped me, especially in my small dress, make-up and heels. I could have easily been mistaken for a whore in my clothes. I knew I'd be able to change when I got home.

I was quite amazed by how well I did. At first I kind of just walked around the pole as if everything Betty taught me had gone out the window. Then, I noticed the crowd seemed a bit bored by me, and the last thing I wanted was to be booed off stage, so I did a little more. I crawled on the ground, showing off the curves of my figure, hopped on the pole and spun around until I reached the bottom in a split, and moved around to the beat of the music. That seemed to cheer them up because soon enough I had heard cheers and wolf whistles. Dollar bills were tossed at me like confetti, and they practically begged for more as I worked. The whole occasion turned out not to be so bad. I made my money; I'm good for a short while, but I know I'll make more money tomorrow night. It was only the beginning.

I suddenly had this new found confidence I never possessed. When all those eyes were glued on me, voices calling out to me and guys asking if they could "pop" me, I felt pretty. I never had people want me that bad. They gazed upon me like I was a desired goddess; a figure of their fantasies. That familiar interest stayed in their eyes, lips curved into smirks and mouths gaped open as they watched me. They wanted me.

My cheek grew hot thinking about it.

I reached the diner in no time and opened the door. The hour being late, the place was practically empty except for a large table of people in the center. Plates and cups cluttered the table like they attempted to make a small city scale while loud conversation carried above. Everyone seemed to be having a good time talking and eating. The sound of the bell above the door dinging caught their attention and she was the first to speak.

"Penny?"

Lucy sat at the table in all her blonde glory. She sat beside Jude who looked surprised to see me there. I grinned at her, and she stood to hug me. I immediately felt this sense of home coming back to me; the good parts of it. I realized then how much I had missed my old best friend; the person who cared the most about me in that dark place.

"What are you doing here?" I beamed.

"I told you last week I was coming, remember?" She said, releasing me.

Truthfully I didn't. "I must have forgotten. A lot of new stuff has been going on for the last few days." The both of us sat down, and I asked for a menu.

"Shit," Max said. "Even I remembered she was coming and my memory is crap."

I glanced at him, "That's because you suck up all that dope like its air and it kills your brain cells."

"And you drink booze like its water," He bantered back, "And it messes with your memory."

We stuck our tongue out at each other but Lucy grabbed my attention. "So, explain to me why you're dressed like a hooker? Please tell me you're not going through some weird 'self- destructive' phase…" The look she gave me was filled with worry. I had to laugh.

"No, no. I took up this new job at a club and today was my first day."

"What is it that you do?"

"Um," For some reason, fear sank into my stomach. How do you explain why you look like you just came back from giving a backstreet blowjob? "I'm a…a dancer."

"A dancer?"

"She means a stripper," Sadie answered for me bluntly, "We were gonna go see her tonight, but I knew how uncomfortable she'd be with all of us watching her on her first night."

"But I know I'm going," Max said, "See if she's got the right stuff."

"What would you know about having 'the right stuff'? You don't have it," I threw at him.

He scoffed, "Of course I do. I mean," He leaned back in his seat, "Who could resist this?"

"I sure as hell can," I leered.

"A stripper? Penny you're a stripper?" Lucy looked at me incredulously,

"Um yeah… I am." I received my menu, which I glanced through before ordering a chicken sandwich and fries. "It pays really well actually and the girls are nice."

"But…I thought you were a waitress. You told me that last week!"

"Well, I was, but then something happened and I had to go."

"She got desperate," Jojo said before sipping his drink. I glared at him and he chuckled.

I explained my plan to her so she didn't start freaking out on me. I know what you're thinking: Why should I care what Lucy thinks? Well, she was my best friend. I think I should kind of care. I wouldn't take it too seriously, but her opinion did matter to me, just like Sadie's and Jojo's did. I tried changing the topic when my dinner came, however, Lucy wouldn't leave it.

"How did you even come across a job like that? I didn't think it'd be one of your first choices," she said.

"I had been at one of Sadie's gigs when this guy came up to me and offered me a job at his club. I didn't take it at first, but after I got fired, I decided it was a good idea–"

"–More like the only idea–" Jude snickered.

"–To take it," I finished, not bothering to glance at Jude, "So, with that said, can I get the ketchup?"

"But... girls like you don't do stuff like that," Lucy tried to console herself.

"That's what everybody told her," Olivia intervened, "She's too smart for that shit."

"Can I have the ketchup?" I asked again.

"Though, she is pretty enough," Prudence added.

"I second that," Max agreed.

"Third it," Jude nodded.

"Can I please have the ketchup?" I asked, feeling my irritation burning some.

"I still don't like it," Jojo said, "Men grabbing at her like she's a piece of meat…That ain't right for a girl like you. You should quit now and get a decent job where you ain't showin' your behind off to the whole world–"

"–Now Jojo it ain't that bad," Sadie interrupted him, "She probably just danced in underwear or something."

"It doesn't matter. Soon enough you're gonna see her on those posters butt nake–"

"Can somebody please give me the damn ketchup?" I exclaimed. Prudence handed it over. I took it, and then continued, "It doesn't matter whether I'm too smart or too good for the job. I needed the money, so I took it because it was the last offer and _could_ be the last offer I get for a long time. I'm gonna go through with my plan. I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions." I dumped some ketchup on the fries before eating one of them. "It's not like I'm selling drugs or anything. I'm not even taking off my clothes, just dancing around half-naked and last time I checked, that wasn't a crime."

There was a silence before Lucy said, "So, besides being paid to look like a two-cent hooker–"

"–Hey," Max stopped her, "Don't insult her… I'd say she's more like a buck-fifty really."

Even I laughed at that. They all talked amongst themselves when "Lecture-Penny-Time" was over. I had been wiping my hands when I noticed Lucy passing Max and envelope. I had seen envelopes like this one before: long, white, official looking with an inked stamp on the corner. My eyes watched as Max tore it open and pulled out a crisp white paper. He read over it.

"You shouldn't have dropped out of college, Max," Lucy said.

"What does it say?" Jude asked.

"It says I have to report to an induction ceremony," He said, putting the paper down.

"An induction ceremony?" I questioned.

Max and I shared this look for a moment as everybody began shooting ideas on how to get him out (tricking the system into thinking he had some kind of physical problem). I can't explain why thinking of Max in the army worried me. Maybe I worried because I always imagined him as untouchable; someone whom the world couldn't hurt or effect. The world around us changed, but he stayed the same. Now, the world had caught up with him and planned to kill him. I could tell he felt the same. Our eyes tore away from each other and he asked for the check.

"It doesn't matter what you do," I said, breaking into the conversation, "You know how many guys try the same thing and get caught… they can throw you in jail for that… and also for not showing up and refusing to sign up. Now from that," I pointed to the letter, "It seems like you have a month and a half before you have to sell your soul to Uncle Sam, so you have to time to cook up some kind of scheme to get you out of this little jam of yours."

"Way to bring him down, Penny," Olivia said.

"What? You all prefer to keep lying to him?"

"–Can we get the check please?"

x.x.x.x.x.x.

In order to ease Max's worries for the time being, Sadie decided to throw a party because nothing clears a person's mind more than booze– I should know. She invited everyone we knew, bought lots of wine and beer, and turned up the stereo. After I changed into something decent, I grabbed a beer from the kitchen and was pulled onto the couch by Prudence.

She appeared to have forgotten that she was avoiding me, because all of a sudden we were best friends again, which I didn't mind. Prudence was one of those people I'd want in my life than not have her at all. I guess a part of me was still hung up on her, especially when I looked into her eyes or caught a glimpse of her smile. She mainly focused on Sadie, yet a hot rush went through my body as she held my arm. I remembered how warm she felt when she kissed me; how nice it felt to be held by someone who really cared about me. I wished Jude was like that.

That was when I saw it: Lucy and Jude were on the other side of the room together. They were laughing and talking; enjoying each other's company in a way he never had with me. I saw how he looked at her; the way he beamed when she smiled or how his eyes had this innocent interest in her. I suddenly felt like that little Ohio girl. I had that feeling awful again, where standing next to Lucy was like a brand new car sitting beside to me, the old busted up one. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. He had done the same thing back home. He had completely ignored me and zoned in on Lucy. I felt so foolish; childish for believing Jude and I would last. I thought I might cry. I gulped the rest of my beer and pulled out a cigarette.

"Penny, are you okay?" Prudence's voice broke into my thoughts.

"Huh? Oh yeah," I lit my cigarette and inhaled some smoke. "Just thinking about stuff."

"About Max?"

"Yeah sure," I exhaled. I didn't think I had sounded too convincing, but apparently I was.

"You shouldn't worry so much about it. He'll be fine. You know he usually finds some way to get himself out of sticky situations. Remember when he convinced this police officer that the reason he was speeding was because his wife was having a baby?"

We both laughed, "Yeah, I do. It's funny, the cop actually believed him."

We fell quiet for a minute before she said: "You should talk to him. You know, tell him how you feel."

"What?" I looked over to her with a confused expression.

"Oh come on, Penn," Prudence said, "It's obvious. I see the way you two look at each other; how you're sad about him leaving before you get the courage to tell him how you feel about him. So, go tell him before it's too late."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I stopped her there, "That's totally not what you think it is. I'm just worried because Max is like a brother to me. I've known him since I was a little kid and he's always taken care of me. Like there was this one time… I think I was about eleven and Max was fourteen. We had to go the drug store and get meds for Lucy because she was sick, so we rode our bikes down there," I pictured my younger self on that pink and white bike with that stupid chain, "My bike's chain had been kind of messed up for a while, but I could still ride it, but then something happened to the chain and I fell off my bike…" I chuckled some, "And Max did this big U-turn and came back to get me; I had scraped my knee so when we got to the drug store we got Lucy's medicine and he patched me up with a little first aid thing he bought,"

I had trailed off and smiled softly when I recalled him kissing the Band-Aid on my knee and cooing about the baby being all better before…before he kissed the top of my head.

"There it is…" she observed.

"What?" For the third time, I turned my eyes to her.

"The love… I can see it in your eyes. My mom once told me that sometimes people can be in love and not know it. Like, it's subconsciously. They share special moments where they think it's possible, but they usually say it's just that they're close when it actuality they are in love. It can take years for two people to realize their feelings. So, you should go talk to him before you lose your chance and regret it. Who knows what will happen to him once he goes? You might never get to tell him."

I'll admit Prudence dishing out this romance advice amazed me. Normally she would just say "go for it" and send me on my way. Of course, she was totally wrong. I wasn't in love with Max…I just loved him…like a big brother…Yeah, that was it. A big brother. I took another drag of my cigarette as my eyes scanned around the room. I found Max with John and Olivia, telling jokes and laughing. I knew deep down things weren't right with him. He could try and hide all his fear with this happy pretense of his, but he couldn't fool me. I knew the prospect of being in war scared him. He wasn't ready for something like that. He enjoyed his life too much to just through caution to the wind.

"It's not like that, Pru," I told her, taking another sip of my drink before putting it down.

"Oh come on," She shoved me gently, "It's okay to like someone. I mean, you've been chasing Jude around all this time and you've seemed okay with admitting how you feel...Sure, a lot of girls around here like Max, but I think what you two have is genuine. Yeah, you joke around a lot and make fun of each other and stuff, but deep down you both love each other a lot. I'm pretty sure if someone asked him, he'd tell them he would do anything to make sure you were safe, even if it meant going into war."

"He's going because he has to Prudence," I said, sounding as if this was already decided. "He's not going because of me. I don't want the person I like the most going into war and get killed because of me-"

"-So you admit it?" She grinned.

"No. I'm not in love with Max. Drop it."

"Yeah you are...I mean, look at your face. You're seriously trying really hard to deny how you feel for him-"

"-I'm not denying anything," I stood up, "Because there isn't anything there. We're just friends. Nothing more and nothing less. Goodnight Prudence."

"-But Penny he always-"

I couldn't hear the rest of her sentence because the blaring music overlapped. She was wrong. She was really wrong. Max and I were friends...just friends. I mean, yeah there were times where I would get lost in his eyes and notice how incredibly gorgeous they were or how his smile always had this sense of friendliness and childishness to it. Okay, so I might have blushed once or twice when he complimented me or thanked him for advice. Alright, there might have been special times between Max and me over the years, but that was because he was Lucy's older brother. Guys like Max never liked girls like me.

So no...I was not in love with Max...

Not. One. Bit.


	14. Can You Feel the Love Tonight?

Chapter title: 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight?' By Elton John

* * *

><p>The next few days were like a big blur. I slept all day, went to work, danced for my tips, got dinner, went home, got a drink, and then spent the rest of the night doing… stuff. Lucy got along with everyone, which wasn't a shocker because everyone loved perfect little Lucy. I tried not to hate Lucy. She was too nice to me to be hated; she didn't deserve the treatment after all the care she gave me. I wouldn't have called her a mother figure, but she was the best friend I had.<p>

The only thing keeping me from fully loving having my best friend around was all the time her and Jude spent together. They'd go out places together alone, they'd spend all their time talking to each other and living in their own little world together. I never had that with him. I was never special enough to him. With Lucy back in the picture, I had been thrown aside like an old toy he wasn't interested in anymore. I tried to stifle my sobs at night after seeing them being so close together. I tried to hide the pain I felt in my heart. I tried to restrain myself from walking up to him and slapping him so hard he wouldn't be able see straight anymore. He made me feel like trash, like a waste of time, like I wasn't worth anything anymore.

That's where all the booze came in. I would rather be drunk and numb than succumb to the heartbreak. Sadie said it wasn't healthy, Prudence worried over me, Jojo scorned me about it… even Max told me I should stop. I snubbed their advice. I hated to sound like a whiney kid but…they didn't understand. They didn't understand how hard I took this; even I didn't understand completely. I just knew seeing them together made me angry, depressed, used, unwanted, and unloved all at the same time. I seriously thought Jude might have had feelings for me…I had been wrong.

Very wrong.

He knew this too. I could tell whenever he looked at me and then look away like the coward he is. He felt ashamed for what we had done. He regretted it now because Lucy was there and he knew we were friends. I bet he hadn't even told her; I was his dirty secret. He'd never tell anyone what we had done together; how many times we had been in bed together and that he loved every second. This only made me feel worse.

If anyone seemed the most afraid for me it was Max. He was the one who put me to bed when I was passed out on the sofa; he took the bottle out of my hand when I had too much, and made sure I was okay all the time. He watched over me– he cared for me. I never asked him why, I just accepted it. I let him give me good night kisses and tell me everything would be okay. I wish I could believe him.

"So, how are things with you and Jude?"

Lucy and I had gone to lunch one late afternoon. We had made a habit of going to a nearby diner for lunch when she got off work and before I started my shift at Toxic. I suppose this was an attempt at spending time together like we did before. She and I hadn't gotten much quality time since I was either working or drunk, or she was working or with Jude and Max. I found it quite nice.

"What do you mean?" She asked me from across the table.

"Oh come on Luce," I said, "You two have been attached at the hip since you got here. You guys must be doing something all those times you're alone together." I sipped my drink quietly, thinking of her and Jude in several romantic scenarios.

"We're not doing anything," she said, "We've just been hanging out together."

"Kind of like how you and Daniel used to?"

I'll confess it was pretty unkind of me to bring up her dead boyfriend, especially after the whole ordeal giving her a new perspective on life, but I had been feeling spiteful lately. She stole Jude from me, so I believed I had full rights to be "unkind". Her somewhat hurt expression told me I had struck a nerve. Today, I just didn't care what nerve I hit.

"I guess so," she said quietly, "I mean, he's nice to me, and he's funny. I don't know. I just feel better when I'm around him. He always has something comforting to say whenever I talk about Max or Daniel. He makes me feel like I can talk to him about anything for hours, and he's really talented with his drawings. He even drew me today…"

The jealousy kicked in like a drug. Jude never drew me on anything; he probably never played with the idea;. I wasn't a good enough muse like Lucy was. I wasn't pretty or fair haired or bright blue-eyed or oh-so-fucking perfect like her. The only time I felt pretty was at Toxic where they fawned over me, but it's nothing like Lucy. I bet she made the perfect painting; had been the perfect model.

"Penny, are you okay?" Her voice broke into my train of thought.

"Huh? Oh yeah," I lied.

Lucy wasn't convinced. Our meals came and I began digging into my fries. Her eyes stayed on me as she ate too, which lead her into speaking:

"What's bothering you?"

I stared up from my plate with my usual poker face. The good thing about being a writer is it is extremely easy to lie…if you know you're lying ahead of time. Surely, Lucy's noticed my drinking habit has increased some, and I seem a little more irritable than usual, so she was bound to question me. I had come to the table prepared for the question. I'll break it down for you:

Step 1. Act like you don't know what they're talking about and say it through your expression (use your eyes too, makes it more believable): "What do you mean?" I asked with my usual innocent face.

"You know what I mean," They'll always say that. "You've been acting weird lately. Like…you drink more than you did at home, you're always zoning out into space and you just seem pissed all the time now. What's going on? You can tell me."

Step 2. Make the first attempt at getting them to believe you with: "There's nothing going on. I'm fine." I know that's one of the biggest lies in the world, but we get more elaborate later.

"No you're not," Sometimes, your subject will call you out, especially if it's a close friend (like Lucy) or a family member. "I can tell. What's wrong?"

Step 3. Be reassuring, but don't detail yet. If the situation is appropriate, add a little bit of the truth into it: "Lucy, there's nothing wrong. I've just had a lot of stuff on my mind."

"Like what?" They'll almost always ask this question.

Step 4. Now you can specify some: "Just work mainly, like it's not easy dancing around a pole every other night for a bunch of guys. I mean, I know I make good money, right? I guess it's the nerves creeping up on me… and plus, I'm tired, which explains why I zone out sometimes."

"And the drinking?"

Step 5: Now, don't exaggerate it and act casual, but try to explain a little more: "You know I like to drink. It helps me relax a little after all that swinging and stuff I've been through all night."

"Being pissed?"

Step 6: Repeat: "You'd be pissed too if you had to deal with a bunch of guys groping you all the time and calling you 'sweetheart' and 'sugar'; not to mention coming home at two in the morning every weekend and sleeping for most of your day until your best friend comes in to wake you up."

Sometimes your subject might not seem too convinced, but they'll drop it at this point. She seemed satisfied with the lie, so she dismissed the interrogation. I guess you're wondering why I hadn't been honest. Well, if I had spewed out every feeling I've ever had about her, I'd hear something along the lines of Jude not liking her that way; I was as pretty as her, and most likely mention an old boyfriend of mine. I didn't want to hear any of that bullshit. That, ladies and gentleman, is why I lied.

Lunch went smoothly afterwards. We talked about Daniel some, the war, the apartment and the tenants. She asked a lot about Toxic and the girls I worked with. I told her about Betty, Ivy and Yoko. I told her about the guys I met and how things worked in the club. She seemed interested. My job was not a usual topic of discussion since everyone shared a general knowledge of what strippers did. We both walked home together, laughing and talking as if my lie had never happened. I seemed to hide my emotions with flying colors.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

We had another party that night. Drinks, music, dancing and smoke filled the apartment, and I was caught in the middle. The atmosphere engulfed me and I was swept away in all the euphoria. I danced with Prudence, talked and drank with Sadie and Jojo, and even smoked a bit of John's special cigarettes. Everything that night had been going so well. There was no better way to spend your night off from work with cigarettes and booze with your friends. Yeah sure, work was a good time, but I preferred partying with my clothes on than off.

Somewhere during the party the player turned out a slow number. A few couples started getting together and dancing around the room; their body's inches from each other or their lips touching in soft kissing. I leaned against the wall with Prudence, talking low now to keep our conversation private. However, I noticed those deep brown eyes of hers shifting over somewhere nearby every so often, filling with a sadness I was far too familiar with lately. Before I could ask her, someone else came up to me.

"Hey pretty lady." Max leaned against the wall with me, a smirk across his handsome face.

"Hey handsome." I replied. "What tore you away from the lovely young lady over there?" I pointed to the curly-haired blonde he had been talking to a few minutes ago.

"Well, besides her boring the crap out of me," We both laughed a little bit. "I was wondering how long it has been," he took my hand and led me to the dance floor, "since we had danced together."

I grinned, letting him guide me. I thought for a moment, "I believe it was my first year of high school at the Winter Formal. I remember because I wore that ridiculous pink dress that itched me all over."

I put my hand on his shoulder while he took my opposite hand. I felt his left hand go on my waist. Normally, I would have felt awkward in a situation like this one, but not right now. With Max, everything felt comfortable. He smirked a little, "I thought it looked nice on you. Hence, why I asked you to dance."

"And because none of the other boys wanted to," I added. "You know I wasn't the best dancer."

"Which is why I taught you how. Better than just shuffling around, right?"

I nodded, "Yeah."

"I didn't exactly hear you complaining either. Then again, why would you? I mean, look at me."

I laughed, "Yeah, that's exactly why I said 'yes', because I just couldn't resist your charm."

Actually, I never admitted it, but I liked dancing with Max that night. I felt like a princess when he twirled me around so smoothly; he made me feel like the only girl in the world. Plus, he was one of the cutest boys in school, so naturally I got envious looks from other girls. Then I remembered something.

"Why did you ask me to dance?" I questioned.

"Like you said, because you were just standing there against the wall with the other dateless girls," He said simply while he spun me around.

"No...Why did you really? When a guy asks his sister's best friend to dance, everything's awkward and weird, like they don't wanna dance with her, but they pity her so they do it anyways."

"What? You think I pitied you?" He asked.

"No, no not like that at all. It's just..." I couldn't explain it too well. "It's just... It felt like we were actually there together... like you were my date. You were so nice to me–"

"–I'm always nice to you–"

"–And you made me feel so special... Like there wasn't anyone else like me out there–"

"–There isn't–"

"–And I felt so comfortable dancing with you. There was no awkwardness at all, like right now. It was like you were planning on asking me to dance; not like you just decided to right then."

"Well..." he paused for a second. "Well, I wanted to ask you because you were the only girl not begging for my attention. They all jumped up when I came to that line, but not you. You kinda just stood there when I asked you to dance with me. I definitely planned on keeping you close."

We both smiled at each other, but then I noticed something from the corner of my eye. I turned my head in curiosity and... and I saw them. Him. Her. Them together on the dance floor only a few feet away from Max and I. She said nothing was going on between them. She said she didn't feel for him that way. He said he liked me. He said there was no other girl like me. They lied to me. They both lied. Their lips locked immediately and caressed passionately... he never did that with me. Tears stung my eyes, but I tried to hold them back.

"Penny are you..." Max turned his head in the same direction as me. "Oh Penn... I'm sure it's nothing... I'm sure it's just like that–"

"–No it's not..." I felt a sob coming on.

I tried to break away from him, but he didn't let me go, "Come on," He steered me into his room and shut the door. Before I could start crying, he held me in his arms. I sobbed hard. My cries rocked my body like an earthquake, making my throat burn and my chest fall and rise rapidly. Max's hand rubbed my back soothingly, his lips kissing the top of my head and shushing me. He didn't say "it's gonna be okay" or "you'll be fine". He didn't say anything. We merely stood there in the middle of his room.

"He said– he said he liked me. He said I was– I was special," My tears began soaking into Max's shirt, making small drops, but he didn't care.

"I know he did. I know he did, honey."

"And then Lucy comes along and it's– It's like I don't even exist anymore! He's– he's– he's been ignoring me since she got here. He hasn't even said he was sorry for it. It's like– like he doesn't care that he– he– he hurt me!" I sobbed some more, shutting my eyes tight, "It's like I didn't– I didn't mean anything to him at all... Like I was just another girl... I feel so used. I'm an idiot for thinking a guy like him would actually like me, especially if Lucy's around all the time. Perfect little Lucy who gets whoever she wants without even trying, while I have to work my ass off if I want to get someone to like me." My anger was rising up some and Max could tell.

"So that's how you've felt about Lucy. I always had the feeling you didn't like her completely... then again, who does like their friends to the full maximum? I mean, look at me and Jude. I love the guy to death, but the way he treated you made me wanna beat the shit outta him."

"Is that what you were fighting about?" I looked up at him with tears still in my eyes and sounding like I had a bad cold.

"Pretty much, yeah. I didn't like him using you like you were a piece of trash because you are so much more than that. Guys like him don't deserve girls like you... not at all... and if guys don't like you for being you, then they don't deserve you either." His hand brushed hair from my face. "You wanna know why I really asked you to dance?"

"Why?"

"Because I thought you were the most beautiful girl there. You didn't need pounds of make-up to be pretty or tons of hairspray to look nice... you were beautiful just looking like yourself. You always are... and that's what I love about you the most. You don't mind being you."

Our eyes stayed on each other as we stood there. He used his thumbs to wipe the make-up and tears from my eyes, his looking over my face. The feeling hit me like a bullet. I realized right then and there the love we both shared. Prudence told me people could spend years loving each other and not know it... I didn't believe her. I did now. There was this warmth around us both; the world around us moved on but in our world everything stopped. In his arms, we were in heaven, floating miles and miles above everyone else with no sense of space or time. The world was beautiful because he was beautiful. The world felt right because I felt right. My tears ceased; all feeling of pain went away and it was as if Jude Feeney had never been in my life. Max brought me closer again, only not into his shoulder, but onto his lips. They were tender with me, not forceful or lustful. He loved me. I could feel it down to every last nerve in my body. I should have seen this before. I kissed him back, pouring into him every little ounce of love he poured into me.

I loved him. I loved Max Carrigan.


	15. Go Your Own Way

Chapter Title: Go Your Own Way (Glee Version)- Lea Michele (originally done by Fleetwood Mac)

Note: Sorry about the long wait for this one. Holidays kinda caught a hold of me and my beta, but now we're getting back on track! Hope you all had good holidays! (oh and Happy New Year!)

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><p>Waking up the next morning was like waking up to Christmas. There was that sense of anticipation in my gut, fluttering around inside me like a swarm of butterflies that rose up my body and to my face where a smile went across. I knew- I hoped- when I turned over I would see Max lying beside me; I would know then that what had happened had been real. I still wore my shirt and underwear, my make-up smeared on my face, and I felt groggy as I rolled over on my side.<p>

Max wasn't beside me like I imagined, but evidence of him being there remained. The soft scent of strawberry shampoo, faint cologne and even lighter cigarettes lingered on the pillows; his clothes from last night littered the floor near the bathroom, and his navy blue robe that hung from the door was missing. My smile grew wider as I lay there on my side. Then something occurred to me: What would happen now? We never discussed it because that hadn't been the proper time. Would I be his girlfriend now? Would we even be together? Was everything he said last night a lie? Why would he lie if he had been? We didn't have sex or anything. We just lied in his bed and talked. We enjoyed each other's company; I enjoyed his comfort. Max had made everything with Jude seem like nothing but an old movie I didn't want to watch anymore. He made me feel a way Jude never did before…

He made me feel loved…

Wanted…

Needed…

I sat up in my bed when I heard the door open. Max stood in the doorway, hair damp and blue robe wrapped around his lean form. He rested against the doorframe with his arms crossed. We both smiled at one another, but mine was not as strong as his. He noticed this and made his way over to me.

"You know, I heard worrying ruins your complexion," He said.

I laughed softly, "I'm not worrying."

"Yeah you are…You're probably wondering what's gonna happen between us because of last night," He stated. What was he? Some kind of mind-reader?

"I guess I am…" I drew my knees to my chest and rested my head on them. "It just came up so fast. One minute Jude's the only guy I want, and then the next you're the only person I think about. I mean, normally when I wake up I'm usually in Jude's bed and yeah I'd be happy about it…but waking up in your bed makes me feel a million times better because it tells me that last night-"

"-Was real? That it wasn't a dream or some weird figment your mind came up with to mess with you?

Yeah, I felt the same. I can't tell you how surprised I was to find you still next to me," He came closer onto the bed and wrapped an arm around me, "Laying there sleeping…I mean, I'll be honest I always kind of liked it when you slept next to me. Remember when my parents took us all camping? You, me and Luce all shared the same tent?"

"And it started raining and thundering like crazy?"

"And you were scared because lightning freaked you out, so you scooted closer to my sleeping bag? I remember waking up and finding you all snuggled up next to me." He chuckled, "You looked so cute there in a little ball," He teased and poked my arm.

I laughed, pushing his hand away. "I got scared and you were the only male in the room."

"The only good looking male…I always had a feeling you liked me," He poked me again.

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did to."

I jumped on him and pinned him down; both of us going 'did not' and 'did to' as we roll around in bed until one of us got hold of the other. I eventually landed on top, looking down at him and into those eyes. We smiled at each other, my body suddenly melting onto his and my fingers sliding into his hair. I felt his own hands roam up my back; one staying in the middle and the other tangling in my roots. Our lips touched gently as we dived into a full blown kiss, which was ruined by the door opening again.

"Hey Max, I wanted to-"

Max and I broke apart to look up at Jude. Immediately, I remember the very reason why I ended up in Max's arms in the first place: because of him. I ended up crying my eyes out because he decided I wasn't good enough for him anymore, so he had to go brushing onto Lucy. He had made me feel so unwanted, so used, so broken that I don't believe I'd ever fully heal from it. I glared at him, wanting him to leave right away before I beat the living crap out of him for everything.

Max saw this, gently moved me off him, and then stood up. "Yeah, what's up?"

Jude kept his eyes on me, he looked uncertain on whether or not he should be there. I would've been glad to answer. Yet, Max stepped in front of me.

"Um, Lucy's askin' for you," Jude said, finally breaking his gaze from me.

"Alright." Max looked over his shoulder at me, then walked out of the room.

Jude and I were alone in the room now. The tension rose higher and higher the longer we were together. I felt my anger stirring deep in my stomach. I had so much I wanted to say; I wasn't sure if I even had the strength to say anything at all. Minutes felt like hours, and Jude seemed a little speechless. I could tell he was trying to find words to say to me, since now he had an opportunity. God forbid Lucy hears about him pounding me into his bed or telling me how he liked it when I said his name and pulled his hair. She was

far too special to him. Eventually, I spoke up:

"What do you have to say for yourself?" I said, crossing my arms underneath my bust.

"Huh?" I couldn't believe him.

"Don't act stupid Jude," I replied. "You and me had something before that-" I stopped myself from saying 'that slut', "Before Lucy got here. You told me I was special; that I meant something to you. You said there was no other girl like me; that you kept on coming back to me because you liked me too much-"

"-Penny, I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you before-"

"-I wasn't finished yet!" I shouted. "You lied to me," I stood up and got a little closer to him. "You lied to me and made me believe you and I actually had a chance at something. You made me think it would turn into something more than sex, but no. I wasn't good enough for you anymore," I moved a step closer, my hands balling up into fists, "I wasn't perfect enough for you anymore, because I didn't have pretty blonde hair, perfect little teeth and those blue eyes you like so fucking much!"

"-Penny, please calm down-"

"-No I'm not gonna fucking calm down, Jude! You lied to me!-"

"-I'm really sorry, Penn. Honest to God, I'm sorry-"

"-Oh? Oh you're sorry? Sorry? Sorry just doesn't fucking cut it, you son of a bitch!"

Then I did it. My hand sailed across that perfect face of his, stinging his cheek and my hand. He looked at me in shock; he held his cheek in his hand and massaging the red mark forming around his jaw. I knew violence would not solve any of this, but it sure as hell felt good. I watched him with cold eyes as he stood there in front of me. I wanted to slap him again. He deserved a hit in the face, especially after what he did.

"Penny…" He said softly. "I didn't mean for you to get hurt. I was going to come and tell you, but then…things just happened. I feel terrible for what I did to you because you did mean something to me. You're a really good friend to me-"

"-A friend?" I didn't scream this time. "I'm just a friend? We're just _friends_? Is that what we are, Jude?"

"Yeah, I thought you knew that. I thought you were okay with-"

"-Well obviously I wasn't!" Tears began filling my eyes. Rage and sadness were mixing inside me. "I thought…I thought you and me were something….were something more than that," I felt a tear spilled down my cheek.

"Penny…" He moved forward to me to cup my cheek, but I swatted his hand away. "Penny, please don't cry."

I turned around to face the window, because I didn't want him seeing me cry. Sobs began erupting from my chest. His hand tried caressing my back, but I hunched my shoulders and avoided the gesture. His eyes burned holes into my back; once again making me feel as if he actually cared about me.

"Penn," I heard my door open and a female voice call out my name. "Guys, what's going on in here?"

I looked over to see Lucy walk into the room, a look of concern on her flawless face. My fury shot up like a fever and I stormed towards her. My hand stung a second time today, and Lucy stared at me appallingly. I didn't speak as I pushed past her out of the room.

"Hey, hey, hey," Max's voice called after me as his arm hooked my waist. "Come on. Come over here."

He pulled me into my room and held me. A vision of last night ran through my head: Max cradling me in his arms as I cried into his shoulder. His hand brushed through my hair; his lips pecked my forehead while his kind words whispered in my ear. I suddenly felt relief. I did what I needed to do: Get everything off my chest. I told Jude my feelings and how he hurt them. Max brought my over to my bed and lied down with me for a while, telling me he loved me and that I meant something to him.

"You…Have _no_ idea how long I've wanted to do that," I said to him. "That bastard's had it coming for such a long time. He used me…He used me, and then…and then-"

"I know, baby. I know."

We didn't speak for a few moments. The silence was comforting; his arms were warm and his kisses soothed me.

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" I asked him, looking up at him from my spot on his shoulder. I remembered his induction was today. Today would decide whether he'd be working for Uncle Sam or staying home with me.

"What? Trying to get rid of me already?" He smirked.

"No," I said with a soft grin. "Just don't want you to be late is all…I mean, aren't army guys supposed to be like on time?"

When I said 'army guys' his smile faded; I said the wrong thing. I snuggled closer to him, kissing his cheek tenderly. "I know you're scared. I am too…I don't want you to leave, particularly since things are becoming so good now."

"Good now? You just slapped my sister and my best friend and things are good?" He scoffed. You are _seriously_ bi-polar you know that? It's kinda weird sometimes."

"I'm not bi-polar," I replied. "I just…have a lot of feelings…"

"Like all women," He rolled his eyes. "Honestly, I wasn't surprised you blew up at him like that. You always keep all your aggression bottled up inside until it explodes and you start hitting people or smashing shit all over the place. It's actually scary."

"Hey, let's not turn this conversation on me," I sat up next to him. I was positive my hair was a mess and my eyes and nose would be red. I felt thirsty. "You should get going before you're late."

He propped himself up on his elbow. "I don't want to go…Not when I have you now…all alone," His finger pulled aside the collar of my shirt to reveal the skin underneath, which he kissed, "In your bed…needing to be comforted and supported right now…" His lips trailed up my shoulder to my neck, then to my cheek and my own lips. "I wanna show you how special I think you are…How beautiful…smart…sexy…important…caring…loving…"

"You need to get dressed and go," I laughed some, smiling and putting my hand on my chest, "Before you're late. I know all about your reputation with tardiness, and the army guys aren't the kind of people you want lecturing you for being late."

He sighed and bowed me head, "Alright…but when I come back, young lady," He stood up and pointed at me, "You're mine."

I grinned as I watched him leave. Things were going to be different; I could tell.


	16. Dear God

Chapter Title: Dear God- Avenged Sevenfold

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><p>October 14th. He'd be leaving on October 14th. The paper Max brought back from the station mocked me from across the table. Everything else on the crisp official document blurred around the words; they told me that Max would only be mine for a few months, and then Uncle Sam would take him from me. He told John and Olivia all about his induction: everything from swallowing cotton for an x-ray that didn't even happen to getting a perfect 1A on the test. I barely spoke. I could not believe what I heard when he came home. Things were becoming so good, and then all of sudden they were swept from under me. The date and I stared at each other, until someone swiped it off the table.<p>

"This," Max said, balling up the paper, "Is bullshit."

"You have to go, Max," I lifted my head up. "It's either go to Vietnam or prison, and I don't think you'd do so well in prison."

"Neither do I."

He sat backwards on a chair beside me; our eyes locked together in understanding. He knew I didn't want him to leave me, yet he must answer to his 'patriotic duty'. My hand slipped into his easily, just like his lips pressing tenderly into my cheek. John and Olivia continued talking about the war and options and other things I ignored. The thought of being away from Max clouded my mind. I'm not saying I needed him by my side every minute, but knowing he was always nearby when I needed him comforted me. Last night showed me that.

"What are you going to do?" He asked me.

"I don't know," I answered. "I never really thought about it before. I always thought you'd be here with me; that the war would magically disappear and things would be great."

"Life would be amazing then," He told me, "But sadly, this world is a fucking shithole. You can write all the pretty poems you want, but the world will never be the way we want it to be."

"So, you'll go?"

"Have no choice, do I?" He said. "I can pick between a frozen wasteland and a small box, and I'm not up for either."

Tension built up when Lucy walked into the kitchen. Unlike most people in the world, Lucy did not pretend like this morning had not happened. She avoided my gaze as she stood by the sink. I could sense the apprehension around her. She was afraid I might have another random outburst. I couldn't say I blamed her. However, whatever anger I held fizzled away the moment Max returned home. Sadie and Jojo told me I should talk to her; apologize to her and Jude for giving them what they deserved. I disregarded their advice. Lucy and I spent the whole day steering clear from each other. We both thought talking right then wasn't a good idea.

"Say something to her," Max whispered to me when Lucy left the room.

"Why should I?"

"Because it's not fair to her and you know it. Lucy wouldn't purposely screw Jude to spite you. Jude I could totally understand, but Lucy would never intentionally hurt you," He patted my knee gently, "So go talk to her. The worst that could happen is she slaps you back."

The both of us chuckled. I figured I had been pretty harsh. My hotheadedness got in the way of seeing the picture straight. I stood up from my chair and followed Lucy back out of the kitchen. She knew I was behind her, since we both walked into her bedroom. Once alone in the confinements of her room, Lucy turned around to me, discontentment on her face.

"What the hell is your problem?" She asked.

"I'm sorry, Luce," I began. "I wasn't thinking clearly earlier, and I kind of acted out. I should have remembered you would never hurt me like that. You've been my friend forever; the only one I've ever actually had. It wasn't right to take my anger out on you when you weren't the real problem. I did tell you that there was nothing between Jude and me, so I shouldn't be so upset. Plus, he likes you more, and he makes you happy. You deserve some after what happened with Daniel."

"You wanna know what your problem is, Penny?"

"You mean besides the fact I'm a drunk with lots of personal issues?"

She sighed, "That you let your anger get the best of you. One minute you're Penny Lane and then next you're some angry monster who lashes out at people because she can't control herself. I even asked if you were drunk because it usually happens when you're not yourself." When I didn't respond she said, "I didn't think me being with Jude would bother you. He told me it was nothing serious, and I thought you felt the same. If I had known you liked him so much I wouldn't have done anything with him. What's even more, you were with Max so I thought you had gotten over Jude."

I paused for a moment. "I'm sorry, Lucy. Really, I am."

We both stared at each other. Seconds later Lucy's arms were wrapped around me in a hug. Any ill feeling I had melted away. Guilt washed over me like rain washing a car. I hugged her back. The scene replayed in my head during our embrace. I felt a bit of remorse hitting Lucy; she was different than the other people I knew back home. She had been my friend for years; my only friend. Other people said they were friends with me, but they didn't treat me like one…I was just there. Lucy treated me like a human being; someone who deserved attention.

The two of us spent time talking in her room for the next few hours. I brought in a bottle of wine for us to share and I lit up my cigarette. I'll be honest, I drank more than she did, but I did smirk when I handed my cigarette over to her.

"What happened to it 'being bad for you'?" I asked.

She took a drag of it, then handed it back, "It's only one. It's not like I do it all the time like you."

I said nothing as I stared out the window. New York came alive with neon lights, crowded streets and passing cars driving by the streetwalkers, drug dealers, people, and hippies on the street. A flood of memories drowned my other thoughts as I remembered those haunting words: 'October 14th'. I remembered walking down the block with him after work; all the times he drove me there in his taxi and let me sit up front; our dates, our nights out with the gang. I can never forget the night he walked me home from work and we were at a light. I'll never forget how the store lights glowed behind him and casted a dim shadow on the ground; the streetlight gave a gleam to his eyes as he looked down at me. The summer winds blew through his hair, making him complain about having to push it back all the time. I gulped some more wine before emptying the bottle. The thought of never being able to relive that moment made me want to cry.

"I'm going to miss him too."

Lucy's voice cut me, "Huh?"

"Max…I'm going to miss him too. I can't stop worrying about the 'what ifs': Like what if he dies there? What if he gets hurt and dies alone in the hospital? What if he gets all fucked up from what he sees there? Nobody comes back the same as when they left. He won't be the Max we both know."

"He won't be the Max I know…" Tears threatened my eyes. "I don't want to send him there without knowing if he's coming back or not. I can't…I can't deal with that."

"You love him. I love him, but there's nothing we can really do now," She said, coming closer, "I wish there was something we really could do; something that would stop this whole war and keep Max home with us. This war just keeps going on and on, and nobody is doing anything about it. If people would just listen, maybe it could stop it and keep Max from leaving."

"He'll be going either way. They can't put an end to a war so suddenly and quickly. Imagine what would happen if they just pulled all the troops out of a country we practically destroyed. It'll be a long time before Max comes home, even if the war did get called off…if he comes home…I just hope whatever happens to him, there will be someone to take care of him when I can't. If he somehow ends up in their hospital, I want there to be someone there...I don't want him dying alone..."

I took a few sips of my wine and stood up, holding onto a table so I didn't lose my balance. I could tell a lot of drinking was going to be in my future. Perhaps if I gained a good head start, by the end of everything I'll be good again…because right now, I knew I'll never feel good.

"I suppose, the best we can do is making these next few months good for him. Night Luce."

She didn't say anything as I walked back into my room and crashed onto my bed. My eyes searched for Max's voice somewhere outside the door; when I found it, I was already sinking into sleep.


End file.
